a lot of folks write panama after hours. some want to say hello. most shamelessly beg for help. but not steve. steve understands how to approach down and out writers living in the tropics. so i’m including his excellent missive, and my response, as a lesson to you all.

steve writes -

John Steinbeck meets Larry Flynt. A compelling writing style indeed. I can’t stop reading your trash. I’m drawn to it like the car wreck that you just have to slow down and get a really good look at before driving on. I’m impulsively drawn to it like junk food that has no nutritional value but you just have to keep eating it ’cause it tastes so fuckin’ good!

Perhaps I yearn for the good old days with the kind of care free delights and perversions that existed in a pre-Guilliane era 42nd Street. Perhaps I’m attracted to your stark irony and cynical references to the colorful (and dark) characters you have met and the haunts you have frequented since your Exodus from Boston. With the shrewd observations and blatant analytical cynicism of Steinbeck and the straightforward poignancy of Larry Flynt you conjure up images of a mystical land far away with a romantic allure that beckons me like the Sirens of Titan lured those unfortunate souls too weak to resist.

lesson 1 - praise, but don’t be obsequious. you might compare cojito to a nobel prize winner, but then hint his writing has a spread beaver quality about it.

After 25 years in Health Care (with a minor in real estate) I have busily been planning my exit strategy from the profession to which I am so endeared to. On March 18th my entourage of derelicts and degenerates will converge on Panama City with a vengence, following my lead to chase their dreams in the New Frontier.

We are planning on spending an additional week after the Panama Spectacular ends on 3/22 and will be accomplishing our many goals and objectives, setting up corporations and bank accounts. Talking to Lawyers and Real Estate Agents. Boring shit. The kind of activities I’m really looking forward to are the “pleasures of the flesh” after hours kind of entertainment that you so graphically describe in your “literature???” You seem like a rather approachable lad of sorts and I wonder if I might bend your ear at one of the local watering holes when we’re in town.

lesson 2 - establish connection. remind cojito he’s not the only one with an std.

Also accompanying me is the lovely Stacey, my 39 year old surfer/teacher/neighbor who just sold her house and wants me to find her a property in Costa Rica. We are trying to persuade her that Panama is where she wants to be.

lesson 3 - pimp your friends. always mention you’re traveling with a hot girlfriend, wife, neighbor, ex-porn star, daughter, trained monkey etc.

If you will agree to imbibe with us I will pack along my little ceramic crocks of Pusser’s British Navy Rum that I have hoarded for over 25 years, honestly!!!

lesson 4 - appeal to cojito’s inner alcoholic.

As a fellow East Coast resident I appreciate the unique perspective you bring to the table and I commend you on your insight into Panama’s emergence and will look forward to future communications from you. Hoping to raise a few with you soon, thanks for the laughs.

lesson 5 - the most important lesson; offer a bribe. upon finishing his email, steve wisely sends cash via the crocodile in the sidebar.

follow these simple lessons and you’ll get a response like this one.

my dearest steve,

thank you. i think you’ve written the longest letter i’ve ever received. and that includes letters from my own mother. mom never writes steve. you’re in health care - what should i make of that?

as i read your amazing email, i couldn’t help but think, steve gets me. i love you man. and i salute you. a bribe of 25 yr old rum means you’ll fit right in down here. bribery is the tao of panama steve. clearly, you have the right stuff.

but you didn’t stop there - did you? perhaps afraid my shameless alcoholism would not be enough, you sent money via the paypal/crocodile link in the sidebar to sweeten the deal. brilliant. thank you steve. very kind of you. if more of my freeloading readers were like you, i’d be swimming in whores. by my tally, that makes two bribes in one letter. careful steve, you may get elected president of the republic if you keep that up.

tell the lovely stacy to forget costa rica. costa rica’s like a tired whore; and they charge top dollar to get into that festering hole. everyone knows panama is costa rica’s younger, hipper sister. did you know costa ricans use something called the colon for money? a colon has about the same value as a random seashell steve. in panama we use the good ol’ american dollar. so it’s easier to keep track of how much you’re tipping strippers and whores.

not to worry. panama has killer surf on both coasts. and better roads to get there safely. my young friends are surfers. in particular, they loved bocas del toro, santa catalina, and cambutal. but its not just surf, infrastructure, and money that sets panama apart. it’s also what panama doesnt have - ticos. ticos will rob you blind steve. best to avoid them at all costs.

i avoid ticos, and fans of panama after hours. indeed, i discourage all face to face contact with my readers. not so much to protect me, but to protect them from crushing disappointment. recently, i met up with a reader over at new york bagel. i can still see the hurt in his eyes when he discovered his hero was really a 300 lb ponzi scammer from illinois. it probably didn’t help i asked him for money, and touched him in his happy place.

i guess, what i’m saying is, if you’re willing to be disappointed, then i can spare the time to meet you. just don’t expect me to pick up the check.

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