in Old School

horny young latinas ask – where are all the old white men?

protesting stripper

panama city panama – seeking to reverse generations of neglect and discrimination by north american retirees, an angry group of hot young latinas gathered outside the american embassy this week to demand old men start dating them, or at least use them for meaningless sex.

“why we always to ignore?” said luz 18, featured stripper at panama’s elite. “i’m to tire of fucking latin hunk. give me old white guy with man boob.”

“my turn-ons are white hair, liver spots, and the odor of death,” said sandra, age 21 of curundu.

“me encanta bald men,” gushed maria 19, of the golden palace.”donde esta mi cocobolito?”

comments like these were echoed by every young latina interviewed for this article. the reasons for their attraction remain a mystery, but one thing’s for certain, it’s not about the money.

“i to have more money than dios.” says carmen noriega. “all my sisters to have the jobs in government, and there’s still plenty of the coke buried under papi’s beach house.”

“i only strip because i like to be whore.” says 18 yr old ana “my dream is be slut for old white man. but they no to come for me.”

“their anger has been a long time in the making” explains doctor omar navarro, noted psychologist and panama city realtor. doctor navarro has treated many young panamanian women for stress, and may have several hectors of prime land to sell you in chiriqui.

“it’s so frustrating, half these girls are on valium, the others just drink to forget. it’s become endemic in panama. hard bodied latinas don’t have a fighting chance. these young hotties just want to give their time, and hard earned money to old white men. they dream of scrubbing gringo toilets, and wiping the drool from their lover’s whiskered chin.”

we asked several retirees, why the lack of interest?

“i’m turned on by sloppy white women who’d rather buy shoes than fuck.” said an unapologetic charlie 65, just off a carnival cruise ship.

“these latinas are too thin and active for me.” said ted 63 of minnisota. “i like women who claim to love walks on the beach, but really just want sit in front of the tv and gnaw on a cold pot roast.”

“i still produce enough cum to shampoo a wildebeest,” boasted one retiree from boston, who asked not to be named. “but i’m looking for a frigid woman who’s always nagging me – like my mom.”

it’s sad.” said doctor omar, ” young latinas, with smooth bronze skin, firm breasts, round bubble butts, and insatiable sexual appetites, just can’t compete with the saggy treasures found up north.

“it’s not only that,” claimed one geezer from miami. “i need to know that if it doesn’t work out, i’ll get taken to the cleaners and lose custody of my kids. and if i fall in love with a sexy latina in panama, i’m not sure that will happen.”

meet your own sexy latina

Care to Comment?



  1. ohmidgod, i couldn't stop laughing!!

    you are one cynical bastard.

    ps i always cover my bald head when i go out walking. i'm afraid of getting gang-banged by a group of those naughty little girls. gotta go –time to watch oprah.

  2. tell the ladies not to lament, as we speak my assemblage of quasi-geriatric degenerates are WD-40'ing their walker wheels, ditching their Grecian Formula 44 and penciling in liver spots in hopes of attracting the affections of these lustful latin labia letcher's. Of course I'll do my part do show mercy on those unfortunate deprived souls. your disciple and amigo, steve

  3. gold chains are for machismos. what these lasses lust for are gold teeth…or better yet no teeth. I'm tapering off on my personal hygeine and stocking up on metamuecil and smegma. Does desperation have no bounds???smegma steve in south bay,ca

  4. Cojito I think a young stripper slipped you some magic mushrooms. I love the printed outcome of that panamanian brain fuck. I've read all of your site over the past two months, this is the first time I've put in my two cents worth. You're one hell of an artist!(anybody who can paint the pictures with words like you can is equal to piccaso anyday!) I'm a disabled 60yr old man on disability,(financially embarassed as I've heard it put somewhere here lately)however I am now saving my pennies in an effort to make the move. If I ever get there I'll look in congrejo and see if I can find a 300 lb,(yeah right,like alex doesn't fuck off 50lbs a week), drunk white writer in one of the liquor stores, near monolos, buying rum. I'll buy you the best in the house for all you've done to convince me that there is a better life for those of us who are willing to make the move from one weeek away from living on the streets to paradise. Thank you, you perverted, but rightious guy. Freddie

    P.S. I did find a way to squeeze out $10 hope it helps.

  5. marco – as you'll recall, i wear a hat and dye my whiskers for that very reason. i just can't afford to be gang banged again.

    steve – don't taper off on the hygiene too much, or i'll refuse to meet with you. there's no need for desperation in panama. i'm sure you'll be beating them off with a stick – or you'll be beating off with a stick. either way, the weather's nice, and the rum's cheap.

    fast freddy – thanks, you're very kind. it means a lot when i can squeeze $10 out of the disabled. lol now how much do you think you can get for the wheelchair?

  6. cojito-I always beat my meat with a stick just before having sex(or jerkin'-off)…the numbness helps to prolong ejaculation. Kind of like an organic poor man's viagra.

    marco-thanks for making me feel welcome like the true pervert that I am. South Bay, my inquisitive freind makes up the beach cities of southern los angeles county. A place that resonates the true spirit and hospitality of an entire city. A place where "surf-wars" still go on between the classes. Ask our roving reporter who spent time among the L.A. brain-dead. Lunada Bay…Rat Beach…Whites Point…to name a few of our local beaches where surfers and sea lions frolic in the frigid 50 degree brine. And what brings you to Senile City. Murietta is for Palm Springs wannabees. The luxury mobile home capitol of the west. Just east of Bandini Mountain. God I just love the smell of those cows when I drive to Vegas. Dude, look me up when your in town. You can give me a primer for my upcoming trip and tell me more about the sleazy women that await me. Steve

  7. i'm at west coast ground zero. the port of LA…san pedro..Miraleste Pines….palos verdes adjacent…where the refineries meet the cargo containers. where the grunion run free…where danny danelo doesn't run anymore…home to Donald Trump's Ocean Trails golf course. aol has provided me with a number I can give out that's not my real cell phone # so I can publish it without fear of being called by women desperate for sex at all hours of the night. (however those calls will be given consideration based on need) 562-366-9289

    let me know whaaaats-up!!!! pervato

  8. Steve, for the South Bay who uses the word 'schmegma':

    Did you go to South High by chance?

    Does the nickname "Oz" hold any meaning to you, or am I way off base?

  9. raul,i attended school in pearl river, new york and have been residing in south bay (LA) since riding my motorcycle cross country in '74. The nickname "Oz" was LA radio disc jockey "Frazer Smith's" side-kick. Also the mystical land where my mind frequented often during my high school psychedelic period. the good old daze of orange sunshine, purple micro-dot, and my old favorite 'window-pane'. "If you can remember the 60's….then you weren't really there!!!" lol-pervato (Steve)

  10. raul,

    some of us weren't smelly. some of us just love freedom and hate Empire. that's why some of us choose panama. wait until the empire brings back the draft — it'll be the 60's all over again.

    there is a bill in the senate to bring it back for ages 18-42!! i have a place for you to stay when the imperial storm troopers come looking for your ass.

  11. i don't know who raul thinks he's kidding. he looks just like jerry garcia after an ether binge. and his ol' lady tells me he's got "make love not war" tattooed on his butt.

  12. Groovy, dude.

    Can we sport tie-die burqas when the IslamoNazis float through the canal, and sing "Peace Train/Death to the Jews" as we pass around the hooka pipe?

  13. the imperial storm troopers were wearing camo and singing "hear comes freedom and democracy" when they blew away 3000 innocent panamanians in 1989. don't worry about the ragheads. your own government is your worst enemy. if you had been in the streets in the 60's you would understand this.

  14. Hope you enjoy the smell of your prayer rug. I don't think those Islamo-Nazis use soap, either.

    At least you'll get to keep your beard.

  15. Thank you so much for bringing this situation to the attention to all the old white men in Panama. Being an old, sagging, single gringa in Panama has me near exhaustion trying to accomodate these men, who seem incapable of seeing the advantages of dating local young women. Did they relocate to Panama to do the same things they did in the country they came from? My constant nagging that these men should be eating more salads to diminish their beer bellies seems to be ignored. Pehaps if they could see their manhood again they would remember what it was used for. This would certainly inspire them to get off the sofa and out into the streets and clubs to meet these women who will reawaken the feelings they had in their younger days. Then I will be free of the constant calls and demands on my time which I would rather be using for shopping and doing my needlepoint.

  16. ouch! looks like vieja has the same cynical ascerbic wit as the cojito!!

    i'm old too, but not too sagging because i exercise and try to look good for my friends down here. it is true, however, that i can't see my dick..but that is because it is so small–not because i have a beer belly.

    as for the feelings of my younger days, i happen to enjoy them. it beats the hell out of thinking about what could have been. but i also enjoy a sharp mind and a caustic wit and i would love to have lunch with a gringa who has the courage and the independence to live down here with all of us pathetic lechers.

    please tell me more, vieja…

  17. Espectaculo y muy chistoso. Me gusta mucho su sentido del humor. Ahora "estoy de vuelta en el mundo" despues de una semana en Honduras y necesito mucho una risa porque aquí hace frío y oscuro. Muchas gracias.

  18. la vida es corta, mi amigo. no hay tiempo para cosas negativas. quiero encontrar la vieja. creo que es una buena mujer. ojala que ella, cojito y yo podemos compartir un poco ron (abuelo si es possible)y puros.

    hoy dia yo tambien estoy en el great white north — mierda! los dos meses pasados, quando yo estuve en panama — 90 degrees farenheit.

    me falta mucho mi panama!! (y mis amigas colombianas y panamenas…:(

    quizas podemos encontrarnos en panama algun dia?

    voy a regresar en mayo.



  19. are you serious? now you really have me confused! i hardly know any gringas becase i try to avoid americans. if i wanted to spend my time with americans i'd move to boquete or coronado.:). i've been to a couple ex-pat socials and a party at the ambassadors house (my wife made me go). i like your style!

    raul — you are a bad boy. be kind to a women who lives on her own in panama – that takes, well, er, balls..

  20. ps. i'm serious about having a rum and cigar with you and cojito — if i can sober him up for a couple hours. i don't know how he landed a babe like alex. he's such a derelict! :) maybe you and i can talk some sense into her…

  21. hmm, i think this story generated some heat. i'm glad, i was highly amused when i wrote it up. thanks everyone.

    vieja – you know it works both ways down here. there are plenty of young men in panama who'd love to hook up with you. though i suspect you have no trouble meeting men. have to agree with marco, wit and intelligence are very sexy. feel free to kick raul's hippie ass next time he's in town.

  22. cojito, after all my married years in Panama I have discovered that being single in Panama is much more interesting. What happened here was you actually wrote something that is similar to a story I wrote some time ago. Mine was from an old gringa's perspective. I was prompted to write it after my young latina friends began questioning me as to how I managed so many boyfriends. I didn't tell …. I didn't know why I attracted the attention. Their alternative request was asking me to share some with them.

  23. holy shit, cdfgh8643, who stuck a jellyfish up your ass today? four major hits in one session! if you want the feminazis and the americans out, don't forget to throw out all the canadians, french, germans, lesbians, gays, rabiblancos, politicos, chinese, colombians, insane taxi drivers, beautiful hookers, diablo rojo drivers and all the rest of the international, psycho-circus that is panama city.

    Lighten up a little dude. there is room here for all of us…even people with jellyfish up their asses.

  24. i am a panamanian girl and what you say here is also stupid. Latin girls dont go for old white guys because they like their wrinkly balls and saggy peckers, they liek them only for the money. so dont think your so special.and not all panamanian women are liek that. i live in canada and i am married to a panamanian.