breaking news!
panama city panama - perhaps reacting to intense international criticism that his guide to panama is nothing more than a pirate site populated with thousands of stolen articles, don winner broke out the ball point pen and wrote his own story* today.
“this is exciting,” said an astonished reader, “who knew he had it in him?”
winner’s master stroke rocked the panama expat community. the article, about a sleezy content thief posing as a fairminded investigative journalist, does a hatchet job on one of winner’s former associates.
” I fully intend to do my level best to fly straight down the middle of this case” winner writes.
ha! this could represent winners first foray into satire. until recently he’s had trouble stringing together compelling sentences. critics believe winner’s been hampered by several factors: he’s not a writer, particularly bright, funny, or honest.
“he’s a cunt,” said one critic, also claiming to fly straight down the middle.
no word if winner will continue writing satire, or revert back to outright content theft.
*i’ve linked to noriegaville’s excellent coverage of this story - our policy is never to link to winner’s site directly.
“he’s a cunt,†said one critic, also claiming to fly straight down the middle.
Aaah… now that’s the kind of writing that will win you a guest editorship at Playboy. Well done.
Comment by Raul — March 16, 2007 @ 9:47 pm
lol next you’re going to tell me you only read playboy for the articles.
Comment by cojito — March 16, 2007 @ 10:04 pm
you are on thin ice my friend. winner provides interesting and useful information about panama. i frankly don’t give a fuck where he gets his content. it is useful. if other people want to sue him for it, that is their business. i love panama and i appreciate a man who will spend his time looking up stuff so that i don’t have to. okke provides negative socialist bullshit. they both have an agenda, but okke has never had anything positive to say about anyone. i stopped reading his nihilist trash a long time ago. i’m not defending winner. i’m simply telling you that okke needs to rise above the level of a high school sophomore. his simplistic and ignorant worldview is not something you want to buy into.
Comment by marcopolo — March 17, 2007 @ 12:35 am
heh - i know. no one cares if the tv’s stolen, as long as it’s cheap, and they’re getting good reception.
dear god, where did i go wrong? now i can’t lampoon don winner? lol - yesterday you implied that catholic priests are pedophiles, but today winner’s your sacred cow?
or are you saying i’m on “thin ice” because winner’s a thug who will try and extract payback?
marco, you know i’d make fun of mother teresa if i thought i’d get a laugh. my silly satire’s all about winner.
honestly, i don’t know anything about okke’s world view.
Comment by cojito — March 17, 2007 @ 1:57 am
The sad part is that the story is a total lie. The anonymous “victim” is actually the real con artist.
Comment by vieja — March 17, 2007 @ 5:44 am
yeah, i thought it was probably bullshit (and payback) before i dialed up leslie’s response in the panama forums. and i wrote this up before i read okke’s story. but since i didn’t have any proof, i chose to lampoon winner’s manifest witlessness, hypocrisy and thievery.
Comment by cojito — March 17, 2007 @ 11:57 am
Where are these panama forums you speak of?
Which story are we talking about? The one about HSBC?
Who Am I? Where Am I? Admiral Stockdale… Admiral Stockdale…
Comment by Raul — March 17, 2007 @ 8:03 pm
we’re talking about the story i linked to above. the panama forum’s located at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/panamaforum/?yguid=274461944
Comment by cojito — March 17, 2007 @ 10:09 pm
“they both have an agenda”
Maybe I should reconsider the offer to be the editor of a new english newspaper in Panama? I don’t have a clue about being an editor but I have no agendas. Well, none that have anything to do with news.
Comment by vieja — March 18, 2007 @ 8:31 am
“no one cares if the tv’s stolen, as long as it’s cheap, and they’re getting good reception.”
people who steal tv’s don’t post their name, address and a picture of the tv on the internet. if winner has left his dick legally hanging out there somebody will eventually cut it off. in the meantime, you are on thin ice by piling on with erik jackson and okke ornstein in their childish and hysterical attacks on winner.
winner is not my sacred cow. i have no idea if he is a scumbag or not. i am simply looking at your positioning yourself with ornstein and jackson. if you want to do satire, i suggest you satirize the childish behavior of jackson and ornstein every time winner waves the red cape in front of them.
i have read all three of them for over a year. (although okke disappeared for a while.)jackson is a decent guy who truly loves panama and his profession. his achilles heel is his hysterical attacks on winner which make jackson look unstable and increases interest in winner. ornstein appears to be an excellent muckraker in the american progressive tradition. unfortunately he cannot stick to the facts in his articles and launches into tirades and personal insults of his subjects, which tend to discredit the good stuff and make him sound like and SDS nihilist from the 60’s.
since i was molested by a catholic priest when i was 10 and since the news is full of sad tales of these sick pedophiles i don’t think i’m too far off. so far, neither winner, ornstein nor jackson have tried to play with my weenie, but that doesn’t grant them sacred cow status either.
let me summarize this already-too-long post by saying that i think that your interests are best served by staying above the winner-jackson-ornstein love triangle…and as the samoan in “fear and loathing in las vegas” might say: “as your attorney, i advise you to have another bottle of abuelo and show alex a nice night in the sack.”
Comment by marcopolo — March 18, 2007 @ 11:59 am
vieja - yes, you should reconsider that offer to edit the paper. and as your first order of business, hire me.
marco - lol got it, rum and sex. i can’t recall, did hunter ever take the samoan’s advice?
i agree with you. my interests are best served by staying out of it. but i think it’s important to speak the truth. why be a writer if you’re going to ignore the scumbag in your living room?
Comment by cojito — March 18, 2007 @ 12:51 pm
he always took the samoan’s advice. and, as i recall, many times it nearly got him killed. and there was never a bottle of rum that he could turn down. (or any drug known to mankind, for that matter). i think he turned down an underage woman that the somaon dragged in off the street in las vegas though.
as far as speaking the truth goes, it’s a very elusive object in the world of journalism. one man’s scumbag is another man’s saint. i think you need to keep your mind in the gutter where it functions so well and try to avoid the rarified air that “journalists” think they circulate in. continue to paint the pictures of life as you find it and let the readers draw their own conclusions… your strength is your eye for life in the street, your love of the common woman and your kind heart which you try to hide behind the mask of a lecherous bum.
personally, i think you could do pulitzer material if you started writing what i know you really feel about the women in panama and stopped hiding behind the “derelict” persona that you try to project. you don’t need to fictionalize your experiences. forget hunter thompson and let the real cojito out…there is a lot of depth and more than a few prize-winning short stories inside you.
Comment by marcopolo — March 18, 2007 @ 1:19 pm
ps. i’m sure raul will be a little disappointed, but he’s busy looking for admiral stockdale and probably won’t even notice your career change.
Comment by marcopolo — March 18, 2007 @ 1:22 pm
Okay– you know that Cojito is a construct, right? So, letting the real Cojito out is like telling Barry Williams to “let the real Greg Brady out.” :)
I do agree, regarding steering clear of the politics. No good can come of it. It doesn’t flow with the niche. If you want to write politics, I would recommend (not that you fucking asked!) … starting a separate blog for that, and not mixing the two. But that’s just my .02 cents. And what do I know?
Comment by Raul — March 19, 2007 @ 8:53 am
i know it’s a construct. but i think that the construct is a waste of time for him because he has an eye for the seedy details, works up to the point of poignancy and truly good, hemingway-like insights, and then backs off to his “frat boy in panama” act. i think that he has a gift that he is afraid to use for fear of being percieved as soft. (Oh fuck! when did i become a psychoanalyst? somebody help me…were’s my vodka…admiral stockdale? admiral stockdale…?)
ps who the fuck are barry williams and greg brady?
Comment by marcopolo — March 19, 2007 @ 10:44 am
lol - ok, i’ve tried to stay out of politics. really, i have. it’s not what i want to be writing about. people want escape not polemics. but you think i shouldn’t write about events in panama or the expat community?
the “construct,” as you like to call it, is useful, because he’s funny. cojito can get away with a lot more, say a lot more, because he’s funny.
the idea is to be informative, funny, and offer the occasional serious portrait of life in panama.
for example, i wrote about cheese in coffee. you learned about a panamanian custom, and i picked up more traffic. there’s no way i could have created a serious portrait of that custom. nor would i care to.
the problem is, i can’t update panama after hours often enough writing serious portraits of life in panama. also, the more serious things i’ve written have generated much less feedback. except for the article about sex.
you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Comment by cojito — March 19, 2007 @ 11:27 am
i, for one, plan to slit my wrists…
Comment by marcopolo — March 19, 2007 @ 1:53 pm
Getting way to serious here. I’m off work in and hour. That’s 4pm Panama time. Heading to La Terraza for a cold beverage as soon as I hit the streets. Cojito, I’m the chubby, old brunette in the black t-shirt if you care to join me. Or anyone else for that matter. Just ask Yohana la chiricana. She will point me out. In fact, please be sure to ask her. Helps me with the reputation I am trying to create as the old gringa with a lot of boyfriends.
Comment by vieja — March 19, 2007 @ 3:05 pm
i’d love too but i’m about 2500 miles from the place right now. don’t let cojito trick you into paying for his drink…and don’t leave your purse when you go to el bano…and don’t give him a contribution for the orphanage, either — those are all his own kids and they are his problem…giving him money only encourages him.
Comment by marcopolo — March 19, 2007 @ 3:33 pm
Obviously you have never seen the bathrooms of La Terraza
Comment by vieja — March 19, 2007 @ 3:56 pm
i don’t sit when i pee, so i don’t notice bathrooms…unless i have to hold my breath. i guess that’s where i draw the line.:)
where is terraza? i’ve never been there.
Comment by marcopolo — March 19, 2007 @ 8:09 pm
Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’ve gotten this far without our input just fine.
We are not the droids you’re looking for. (Are you young enough to get a Star Wars reference?)
Comment by Raul — March 19, 2007 @ 11:36 pm
La Terraza on Via Veneto. My first job in the big city. Den mother was my unofficial title. Cojito was not there yesterday that I know of. It was quite crowded for a Monday afternoon. Many of my “boyfriends” were there which always gets me a “sin ver” comment and a look of disapproval from Yohana.
Comment by vieja — March 20, 2007 @ 9:12 am
raul - lol i’ll have you know i spent most of my youth with a light saber in hand. hmm … come to think of it, that my penis.
vieja - my apologies. i did not get your message soon enough. thanks for the invite. i would have loved to stop in for a beer and chat. la terraza’s just down the street, and popular with gringos. but so far i haven’t tried them out.
Comment by cojito — March 20, 2007 @ 11:58 am
I suspect someone read the post and went to see. Being an ugly, old, saggy gringa, I rarely get stared at, but I did that day. Luckily some of my regular “boyfriends were there for company and I got the usual scowl from Yohana and “sin ver”
Comment by vieja — March 22, 2007 @ 2:04 pm
I cant wait to meet all of you F’n lunatics.
Comment by kentpd — March 23, 2007 @ 6:54 am
“welcome back my friends to the show that never ends…”
hey kentpd! smuggle some scissors in so i can cut of this freaking shock collar. thanks.
Comment by marcopolo — March 23, 2007 @ 9:59 am