(here’s something coughed up from the malignant bowels of django durango. who’s django durango? i don’t know man. the twisted bitch sent this over with no explanation, or website to promote. very strange. in truth, i almost deleted it. but the rant’s so funny, outrageous, and horribly accurate, that it belongs on Panama After Dark.)
1) Trust no one. The locals will rob you blind. They’ll steal your shoes, and while you’re looking for them, they’ll snag your camera. Never trust anyone who speaks English for he will attempt to empty out your entire bank account. when dining, always examine your bill carefully. half the time it will be padded with items you neither ordered nor ingested. The other half you will simply be handed woefully inadequate change. But don’t get mad at the staff, they are often instructed to rob you by the Establishment’s owner. All of the business owners here are criminals and many are certifiably insane.
B) Cocaine is cheap and plentiful, and most folks here are loaded way past the gills. They say on average that six drug-running boats a day glide off the golden coast, so keep your eyes out for mysterious packages as you walk on the beach, you might just win the lottery. Keep your eyes out likewise for drug-crazed Colombians who will not think twice about murdering you.
Lock the doors and roll up the windows tight when you pull into town, the guy flagging you down and navigating you to a secluded parking spot is a crack-head. Buy a length of thick chain at a local hardware store and secure your vehicle to something solid (people used to secure their property to trees, but there are no more trees). Of course, never leave anything of value in your car. Not flip-flops, not a comb, not a half-smoked cigarette.
3) Costa Rica is pretty dirty, and Tamarindo has a slimy layer of filth on it. That’s what happens when too many humans crap in the same place without proper management. Swimming in the ocean can give you nasty ear infections (not to mention horrible wraparound wounds from jellyfish). There is trash everywhere and every rainy season it eventually ends up in the sea. The country’s sewage also washes into the water on a daily basis.
The very dust you breathe contains human waste. Do not drink the tap water in Tamarindo unless you like dying of monkey shit poisoning. Do not get bitten by a mosquito or you might spend two weeks wishing you had died from monkey shit poisoning. The locals make sport of tying up their dogs and starving them nearly to death until they go crazy. Then they let them go. Do not let Scruffy run loose on the beach, he will be ripped apart and his bones picked clean by vultures.
D) Try to avoid a stabbing. the nearest hospital’s hours away. That’s if they don’t stab the ambulance driver when he gets there. The good thing about getting medical attention here, it’s cheap, and usually has a big surprise twist at the end to keep you entertained.
5) What I said about cocaine goes triple for Flamingo. It is the number one destination in Central America for the semi-rich. they come from around the world to fling narcotic stimulants up each other’s noses and indulge in illicit week-long marathons of sex with children. Costa Rica has long obscured the fact that they are a leader in the trafficking of underage human slaves.
G) Looking for eco-tourism? Don’t look here. Something like 107% of the solid human waste (or doo-doo) gets pumped straight into the creeks. Need I say more?
7) Come quickly because soon everything thing here will be a cement facade. Guanacaste has been designated as the site for the new Costa Rica theme park, and it is going up fast. Tourists will be bounced around in cartoon vehicles from one ride to another and to the malls to go shopping for local handmade art and jewelry imported from Nicaragua and Haiti.
I) Car broke down? Bend over and try to relax because what’s coming next is going to hurt. Locate a flatbed and get the offending vehicle up on it, which the driver will cheerfully facilitate in exchange for a grab at your wife’s (or girlfriend or daughter’s) goodies. The nearest mechanic will be taking a nap for the next three hours. Spend this time locked in the vehicle, for it will provide shelter from the hordes of lusty pirates driving blind-drunk on Guaro.
Whatever the car’s symptoms, the doctor will diagnose the most expensive cure. This most costly part must now be tracked down. If you’re lucky it is found in San Jose, if you’re not lucky it must be shipped in from a country on the other side of the world. A week and $900 later, your car will have the same problem it had when you started. Now start the process over with a new mechanic until you find an honest one or there is nothing left to fix but the actual problem. By then you may have spent thousands just to fix a $150 problem.
9) Bring a flashlight. The entire country lost power for three hours last week. The power here goes out almost daily. So does the water, just in case you want to drink that milky muck. Often they go out at the same time. Enjoy your powerless, waterless vacation and whatever you do, avoid finding yourself in a casino in Central America when the lights go out. The doors are immediately chained shut and it’s kind of like being in a prison riot.
K) Be prepared for anything. Every 50 years Costa Rica experiences a major earthquake– the type of earthquake that leaves very few buildings standing. We are now well overdue. The current warning system gives San Jose about 30 seconds of warning before the earthquake waves would demolish the city. There are also 112 volcanoes, seven of them active. We don’t have hurricanes, but the Costa Rican government has steadily spotted UFOs since the 70’s and there are a multitude of reports of alien abduction.
11) Bring lots of money. The prices go up here every day. Property prices are inflated based on value forecast ten years in the future. Accommodations that went for $20 five years ago now go for $50. Gas is $4 a gallon. I recently paid $3 for a glass of juice. Remember that the price on the menu doesn’t include a 10% tip and a 13% tax. There is also the gringo tax which doubles everything. Take care that your credit card number isn’t used to purchase hookers and laptops in San Jose.
12) Ladies, have a threesome or two before coming here, just to get used to seeing your man with other women. And join the gym like yesterday. Even if your relationship is rock solid and the sex is better than it’s ever been, beware because the women here are from a different planet. Women’s liberation never caught on here and never will; they aspire to hotness.
Most newspapers feature 10% news and 95% hot chicks. Girls are primped and pimped out by their own families. Hookers from around the world come here to study under them and learn their sexy secrets. Add to that they are the most beautiful females in this galaxy and will claw each others eyes out fighting over a piece of your gringo, and you just don’t stand a chance. He will present you with an infamous Costa Rican divorce and never look back. He will have Costa Rican babies, become a Costa Rican resident, and sell Costa Rican real estate the rest of his days.
Commit yourself entirely to him before the plane lifts off and you join the mile high club. Twist and writhe yourselves into some freaky Karma Sutra positions he never thought you capable of. Try the pile driver in a public place. Whatever you can think of to keep him distracted and drained, do it. And good luck.
13) Pura Vida? Google fer-de-lance, we got em here. Check the shower for scorpions and poisonous spiders the size of toupees hiding in your bed. Beware of lethal miniature dinosaurs that drop on you from the trees, and frogs that spray toxic nerve gas.
Remember, when you enter the ocean, you are basically entering the food chain. Wear your flip flops because we have fish with poison spikes cleverly camouflaged in the coral reefs. Shuffle your feet in the shallows to avoid stepping on an angry manta ray. Keep both eyes open for man-eating sharks, crocodiles, three-eyed alligators and venomous sea snakes that hungrily await you. Sand fleas that burrow into your inner ear to lay eggs that hatch and wriggle hungrily to feast on your brain.
I’ve already mentioned the gigantic jellyfish, ferocious dogs, bone-picking vultures and deadly mosquitoes. But, have I told you about the monkeys, no longer afraid of humans, whose teeth grow an inch a day, and have been known to take over fishing boats? How about blood-sucking bats, or the armies of crabs that can devour an entire horse carcass in three minutes? Pura Muerte is more like it.
By Django Durango