in Destinations

Costa Rica: life and death tips for visitors

(here’s something coughed up from the malignant bowels of django durango. who’s django durango? i don’t know man. the twisted bitch sent this over with no explanation, or website to promote. very strange. in truth, i almost deleted it. but the rant’s so funny, outrageous, and horribly accurate, that it belongs on Panama After Dark.)

1) Trust no one. The locals will rob you blind. They’ll steal your shoes, and while you’re looking for them, they’ll snag your camera. Never trust anyone who speaks English for he will attempt to empty out your entire bank account. when dining, always examine your bill carefully. half the time it will be padded with items you neither ordered nor ingested. The other half you will simply be handed woefully inadequate change. But don’t get mad at the staff, they are often instructed to rob you by the Establishment’s owner. All of the business owners here are criminals and many are certifiably insane.

B) Cocaine is cheap and plentiful, and most folks here are loaded way past the gills. They say on average that six drug-running boats a day glide off the golden coast, so keep your eyes out for mysterious packages as you walk on the beach, you might just win the lottery. Keep your eyes out likewise for drug-crazed Colombians who will not think twice about murdering you.

Lock the doors and roll up the windows tight when you pull into town, the guy flagging you down and navigating you to a secluded parking spot is a crack-head. Buy a length of thick chain at a local hardware store and secure your vehicle to something solid (people used to secure their property to trees, but there are no more trees). Of course, never leave anything of value in your car. Not flip-flops, not a comb, not a half-smoked cigarette.

3) Costa Rica is pretty dirty, and Tamarindo has a slimy layer of filth on it. That’s what happens when too many humans crap in the same place without proper management. Swimming in the ocean can give you nasty ear infections (not to mention horrible wraparound wounds from jellyfish). There is trash everywhere and every rainy season it eventually ends up in the sea. The country’s sewage also washes into the water on a daily basis.

The very dust you breathe contains human waste. Do not drink the tap water in Tamarindo unless you like dying of monkey shit poisoning. Do not get bitten by a mosquito or you might spend two weeks wishing you had died from monkey shit poisoning. The locals make sport of tying up their dogs and starving them nearly to death until they go crazy. Then they let them go. Do not let Scruffy run loose on the beach, he will be ripped apart and his bones picked clean by vultures.

D) Try to avoid a stabbing. the nearest hospital’s hours away. That’s if they don’t stab the ambulance driver when he gets there. The good thing about getting medical attention here, it’s cheap, and usually has a big surprise twist at the end to keep you entertained.

5) What I said about cocaine goes triple for Flamingo. It is the number one destination in Central America for the semi-rich. they come from around the world to fling narcotic stimulants up each other’s noses and indulge in illicit week-long marathons of sex with children. Costa Rica has long obscured the fact that they are a leader in the trafficking of underage human slaves.

G) Looking for eco-tourism? Don’t look here. Something like 107% of the solid human waste (or doo-doo) gets pumped straight into the creeks. Need I say more?

7) Come quickly because soon everything thing here will be a cement facade. Guanacaste has been designated as the site for the new Costa Rica theme park, and it is going up fast. Tourists will be bounced around in cartoon vehicles from one ride to another and to the malls to go shopping for local handmade art and jewelry imported from Nicaragua and Haiti.

I) Car broke down? Bend over and try to relax because what’s coming next is going to hurt. Locate a flatbed and get the offending vehicle up on it, which the driver will cheerfully facilitate in exchange for a grab at your wife’s (or girlfriend or daughter’s) goodies. The nearest mechanic will be taking a nap for the next three hours. Spend this time locked in the vehicle, for it will provide shelter from the hordes of lusty pirates driving blind-drunk on Guaro.

Whatever the car’s symptoms, the doctor will diagnose the most expensive cure. This most costly part must now be tracked down. If you’re lucky it is found in San Jose, if you’re not lucky it must be shipped in from a country on the other side of the world. A week and $900 later, your car will have the same problem it had when you started. Now start the process over with a new mechanic until you find an honest one or there is nothing left to fix but the actual problem. By then you may have spent thousands just to fix a $150 problem.

9) Bring a flashlight. The entire country lost power for three hours last week. The power here goes out almost daily. So does the water, just in case you want to drink that milky muck. Often they go out at the same time. Enjoy your powerless, waterless vacation and whatever you do, avoid finding yourself in a casino in Central America when the lights go out. The doors are immediately chained shut and it’s kind of like being in a prison riot.

K) Be prepared for anything. Every 50 years Costa Rica experiences a major earthquake– the type of earthquake that leaves very few buildings standing. We are now well overdue. The current warning system gives San Jose about 30 seconds of warning before the earthquake waves would demolish the city. There are also 112 volcanoes, seven of them active. We don’t have hurricanes, but the Costa Rican government has steadily spotted UFOs since the 70’s and there are a multitude of reports of alien abduction.

11) Bring lots of money. The prices go up here every day. Property prices are inflated based on value forecast ten years in the future. Accommodations that went for $20 five years ago now go for $50. Gas is $4 a gallon. I recently paid $3 for a glass of juice. Remember that the price on the menu doesn’t include a 10% tip and a 13% tax. There is also the gringo tax which doubles everything. Take care that your credit card number isn’t used to purchase hookers and laptops in San Jose.

12) Ladies, have a threesome or two before coming here, just to get used to seeing your man with other women. And join the gym like yesterday. Even if your relationship is rock solid and the sex is better than it’s ever been, beware because the women here are from a different planet. Women’s liberation never caught on here and never will; they aspire to hotness.

Most newspapers feature 10% news and 95% hot chicks. Girls are primped and pimped out by their own families. Hookers from around the world come here to study under them and learn their sexy secrets. Add to that they are the most beautiful females in this galaxy and will claw each others eyes out fighting over a piece of your gringo, and you just don’t stand a chance. He will present you with an infamous Costa Rican divorce and never look back. He will have Costa Rican babies, become a Costa Rican resident, and sell Costa Rican real estate the rest of his days.

Commit yourself entirely to him before the plane lifts off and you join the mile high club. Twist and writhe yourselves into some freaky Karma Sutra positions he never thought you capable of. Try the pile driver in a public place. Whatever you can think of to keep him distracted and drained, do it. And good luck.

13) Pura Vida? Google fer-de-lance, we got em here. Check the shower for scorpions and poisonous spiders the size of toupees hiding in your bed. Beware of lethal miniature dinosaurs that drop on you from the trees, and frogs that spray toxic nerve gas.

Remember, when you enter the ocean, you are basically entering the food chain. Wear your flip flops because we have fish with poison spikes cleverly camouflaged in the coral reefs. Shuffle your feet in the shallows to avoid stepping on an angry manta ray. Keep both eyes open for man-eating sharks, crocodiles, three-eyed alligators and venomous sea snakes that hungrily await you. Sand fleas that burrow into your inner ear to lay eggs that hatch and wriggle hungrily to feast on your brain.

I’ve already mentioned the gigantic jellyfish, ferocious dogs, bone-picking vultures and deadly mosquitoes. But, have I told you about the monkeys, no longer afraid of humans, whose teeth grow an inch a day, and have been known to take over fishing boats? How about blood-sucking bats, or the armies of crabs that can devour an entire horse carcass in three minutes? Pura Muerte is more like it.

By Django Durango
djangodurango@gmail.com

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48 Comments

  1. "however, i’ll bet the colombian girls are prettier."

    My experience is most of the hotties in Costa Rica are from Colombia.

  2. not true, lived in C.R. for four years. most of the hotties are Nicaraguan, and make great girlfriends. not the bar-girls, the domestic workers who are off on weekends.

  3. Meh… a hottie is a hottie.

    Personally, I think that the highest percentage of hot chicks are from Colombia, followed by Costa Rica. But it really depends on what you like.

    If you're into Black chicks, then you'd probably enjoy Panama more, overall. If you groove on the darker, indian looking girls, then the Nicaraguans can be nice.

    I'm an equal opportunity beauty conneseuieur. Who still can't spell.

  4. Damned Daniel; lighten up it almost sounds like you're saying that unless some one elses opinion isn't a carbon copy of your own they're not allowed to express themselves. You need to chill out

  5. I ENJOYED SO MUCH TO READ WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY ABOUT COSTA RICA. I MYSELF HAVE SPENT NEARLY 7 YEARS IN COSTA RICA.

    WHAT YOU HAVE SAID MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD, BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST TRUTHFUL AND ACCURATE PORTRAYAL I HAVE EVER SEEN. IN THE LAST YEAR ALONE, THE MAFIA HAS TAKEN OVER EVERYTHING IN SAN JOSE, AND AS I CAN IMAGINE, THE REST OF THE COUNTRY AS WELL. THE POLICE WILL ROB YOU JUST THE SAME AS THE CRIMINALS. I WAS ROBBED BY THE POLICE MORE THAN ONCE. THEY JUST LAUGHED AT ME AND DROVE OFF WITH MY 500 DOLLAR VIDEO CAMERA.

    LOOKING BACK ON IT I AM FLAT OUT IN AWE THAT I COULD BE ALIVE AFTER HAVING SPENT SO MUCH TIME THERE. RECENTLY, I ENCOUNTERED AN IMBECIL WHO OWED ME SOME MONEY. WHEN I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS INTENDING TO STIFF ME FOR THE MONEY HE OWED, HIS RESPONSE WAS IN THE FORM OF A FIST. SOME MEMBERS OF THE LOCAL COMMUNITY WHERE IT HAPPENED INFORMED ME THAT HE COULD KILL ME IF HE WANTED TO. APPARENTLY, NOBODY CARES. LEAST OF ALL THE POLICE, AND NEXT TO LEAST OF ALL ANY OF THE CITIZENS. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND ISN'T IT? IF HE OWES ME MONEY, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE THROWING THE PUNCHES RIGHT? WELL NOT IN COSTA RICA. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A GRINGO.

    I WANT TO THANK THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS LIVELY LITTLE ESSAY ON COSTA RICA. YOU HIT IT RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

    COSTA RICA IS A PATHETIC NATION FILLED WITH THE DREGS OF HUMANITY. IF YOU GO THERE, PLAN ON ACQUIRING FIREARMS STRAIGHT AWAY. THAT IS MY ADVICE TO ANYONE.

    SINCERELY,

    BRYAN VALENZUELA

  6. I just booked my tickets! Cant wait to land in this cess pool! Hot hookers, poisonous everything, even air…an adverturer cant go wrong! WOO HOO! I love places where drinking your own urine is safer than drinking the water. I love it. I want to buy a house there and soak up the filth.

  7. haha – good for you mike. embrace it. you'll do well there.

    but you don't need to drink your own urine, you can buy tico piss for a $1 a bottle there – the locals call it "Imperial."

  8. false katryna? most of these girls are too poor for breast augmentation, ass, and nose jobs. that's a gringa phenomenon.

    they're just thin, and spend a lot of time at the beauty parlor.

  9. WHERE IS THE MAIL ORDER BRIDE. AND, NOT TO MENTIONED TH 4 F CLUB: FIND THEM, FEEL THEM, FU#$ THEM AND FORGET THEM?

    ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A CHICA, ONE I COULD HAVE FOR LIFE.

  10. LOL this was a brilliant blog i laughed so much but at the same time am seriously shitting myself as i go out to Costa Rica next week! But hey lifes an adventure and i you have to put everything down to experience……..bring it on!

  11. don't know where are you guys from , but have to say that crime is everywhere ,corruption as well , our country will be better if we don't have those fucking criminals coming from Panama,colombia,nicaragua,salvador…. that's the shit that makes our country like that , and sounds to me that you are discribing your place too…

  12. I just got back from costa rica…. other than san jose the country is much cleaner than the U.S. the girls are absolutely amazing, and, only if you're smart, it's cheap

  13. that shit was right on moved to pavones in 1994 and experienced it all

    i love hijo de puta land…

    total chaos there was this dude captn ron i used to take him to canoas for fat rocks we always had a glock 40 and 2 mags ea. incase we had to check some of them there crimal types…

  14. Just spent my 2nd vacation there. 2 weeks doing the central and southern coast, Pacific. Maybe you were on the Atlantic side? It was clean, beatiful and we did not experience any crime at all. All our lodging and food bills were 100% accurate. Even our car rental went smoothly. Loved Costa Rica and the people.

  15. Hi, thanks for your comments on Costa Rica. I was born in Nicaragua and raised in the U.S. After 27 years i finally visited nicaragua and didn't like it. And i always thought that Costa Rica was a better country than was mine. But after all that you said, now i feel proud of Nicaragua in comparison, and can look up to it. All the problems i experienced in Nicaragua now still looks like heaven in comparison to costa rica. Also prostitution is legal in nicaragua, but i no not of any child prostitution. Thanks again for making me feel so good about my country, now i could tell all my friends in the U.S. what a great place Nicaragua realy is.

  16. 1.outside of the beach towns, the tap water is fantastic.

    2. You described 3 locations, tamarindo, san jose, flamingo…what about the other 99.9999% of the country that isnt infested with tourism and all the dirt bags that attracts ( exactly the place your country will be in 10 years )

    3. Avoid, sanjose, dont associate with people who use or sell drugs, or with dirt bag gringos, live outside of the tourist traps.

    4. I have no idea what your talking about in guanacaste, ive traveled there extensively and its by far the most rural place in costa rica.

    5. Most costa ricans are honest, hardworking people just looking to raise a family, dont let yourself be taken advantage of, and you wont be taken advantage of, that goes anywhere.

    6. He is right, do not move here with your gringo husband, he will leave you, or be so sexually frustrated that he will turn gay, or commit suicide.

  17. Keep on, sorry ass gringos, giving all of your money (and hopefully what remains of your good health too) to these stinking pussies and the pimps, and the hustlers, thieves, the drug dealers, and chronic bums behind them. I am just one of hundreds of thousands TICOS who WOULD LOVE TO SEE ALL OF THESE FUCKERS RIGHT WHERE THEY BELONG, either dead, behind bars, or living happily ever after with you gringos up in the States so you can grow yourselves a new generation of lowlives for your sexual pleasure WITHIN YOUR COUNTRY. Please don't forget to foster one or two Mexican or Colombian pushers so we don't have to waste our time and more of our National Budget putting bullets to these scumbags' heads in our country so you don't get more O.D. junkies up north!

    Just because of your mongering every fucking one around thinks being a whore or a drug dealer is the way to go through life.

    Keep your small limp dicks in your pants and your fucking dollars in the States now that you are poor thanks to Bush and the stupid nigger who can't put an end to the war. Osama is already dead, but you can still win a war by going to Venezuela for Chaves or get a cheap thrill just dropping in Cuba, Colombia or Mexico to collect a reward on any DEA wanted druglord and still get all the pussy, the oil and the blow you need in the process. Better yet, just like always, steal it back to the States and stop messing our country!

  18. Whoa, Cojito. I've not commented here for awhile tho I keep reading your posts, but this prosecutor guy needs a good wordspanking. I think I've said this before (and got some interesting emails afterwards) that I LOVE your unabashed and unapologetic attitude. In case you don't remember, I'm reading from remote and friggin' cold Alaska, a mature and educated boomer WOMAN who is as hot looking as she is a game girl.Prosecutor doesn't "get" what you provide us with this column and has NO sense of humor whatsoever. Take him down a notch or two for me, huh? Jayme in Alaska

  19. Wow, I'm so glad I found your site, good stuff indeed. My roomate is from panama and we both are saving up for vacation next year or maybe sooner. I'm also in Alaska hehe, I see you have a couple comments from alaskans and all of the comments are posted at about the time of winter. I can't wait to live the dream man you are an inspiration and you got some balls! I'm 26 and I'll be gettin out of this frozen shithole for good and I'm not lookin back. Keep up the good work you have talent! -> Jason

  20. Holy shit!

    I live d the re3 yr. was robbed 4 times, my friend was shot in the leg after withdrawing money from the bank

    another has tied up with his 3 yr daughter and his wife thank god escaped over a wall.

    another friends tires were spiked her back was broken, she later died from he injuries .. her 2 yr old left an orphan.

    Costa rica is one of the most beautiful countries i've seen, but the most fucked up place ever. i had that ear infection.

    ive seen the shit FLOATING in the water

    Montezuma remove signs posted about water dangers. Oh and another person died of drinking shit infested water.

    Costa is no longer Rica. it is truly Costa Crapa

  21. Wow! Outragious! Nuts! Rediculous!Almost unbelievable,but- pure Costa Rica and BRUTALY TRUE!Especially the part about gringo realestate agents with tica wives and kids.Now they have to make alot of money because they have to support the whole clan,(uncles, mothers, sisters, grandmothers, etc.) Now everybody gets a new fridge! No wonder they push so hard to sell Costa Rica.You read all the bullshit about investment, getting residentcy and how no matter what the rest of the world market is doing, Costa Rican realestate is going fast so buy now before its too late. All you need is a good lawyer and you'll be on your way! BULLSHIT, ITS ALL BULLSHIT.Get hooked in with a lawyer for the transaction and residentcy and your in for a long expensive ride.Residentcy is next to impossible to get anymore, unless you mary a Costarican.I bought property in 1999,created a business, hired Costa Ricans,paid into the Caja,paid ICT, paid taxes to Tributcion Directa, the whole nine yards. Six years, five incompatant lawyers and thousands of dollars later- no residency.Paperwork and more paper work. Every thing you do in Costa Rica requires paper work. They always say take this paper to this office and you'll get your permit, but that office stamps that paper and gives you two more to take to two more different offices and those two offices give you two more papers, now you have four papers and four offices to go to, all the while your getting stamped and buying 50 colone timbres. Buy the time you get all the required papers together, the original paper has expired and you must now start the whole process over! And remember, eventhough you own property and run a business and pay a ton of taxes, you still have no rights and have to leave the country every three months. What should be simple and cheap always becomes complicated and costly.Never do anything according to the law in costa rica , its not expected. If you want some thing done- pay a bribe. If you want property- go there and squat.By the time you get your residency, you will be on a plane heading out only to let your card sit at the office of migracion.If you go to the bank to deposite money in an account that has had no activity for three months, they will usually want to see an electric bill and sometimes a personaria juridica.( remember, your depositing money!)But, if you want to get money off your friends credit card, well now thats no problem.Also, if you go to the Caja to pay social security for your employees and the system is down because of the regular power outages, they will tell you to come back another day when the system reboots, but when you return when the system is working, they charge you a late fee. When you leave costa rica you must get someone you trust to stay in your house, otherwise you will get robbed while you are gone. The people that are coning you- I mean marketing to you in costa rica forget to tell you these things when your there in the heat of the moment in paradise and ready to sign on the dotted line. When the transaction is finalized and years later when you are ready to sell, it is then you'll find out that the lawyer put your property in his name in hopes that he and his side-kick accountant might be able to get you in trouble with the tax authorities and aquire your property.I've seen it happen to people.Aiways check the Nacional Registry to make sure your property is properly registered and in your name.

  22. I normally don't write on blogs but after reading the comment by"the prosecutor" I felt compelled. My girl friend and I just returned from Costa Rica and sad to say we will not return.

    In the 8 days we were there we were robbed twice! Thats right twice! On the third day we were in Manuel Antonio at the beach having lunch at a resturaunt, my girl friend hung her purse on the chair she was sitting in. The waiter seemed so nice and friendly and talking to us alot, obviouse to us now,he was keeping our attention. Before we knew it, her purse was gone! By the way he was acting we think he was in on it. Nobody made any effort to help us and they were not as friendly after it happend. They acted as if it were our fault and that it happens all the time.(apparently it does!) Three days later we were driving in our rental car and we stopped at the burger king in Libera, we went in to eat and after went to our hotel room in Tamarindo. When we opened the trunk to get our bags they were gone! We spent two days in San Jose at the U.S embasy getting replacement passports-NOT FUN. We had know idea, when we pulled into the burger king because there were many people hanging around in the parking lot, they had to have seen some thing! But they did nothing! I'll never undrestand how so many people could not have the spine to stand up to this kind of activity! After hearing the "prosecutor" talk now I undrestand. I truly believe the Costa Ricans don't like foreigners(or anybody thats not Costa Rican for that matter) How can they act like they're your best friend and then stand by and watch while you are being robbed!I believe they have and unspoken conspiricy against tourist. I went there to enjoy the culture and make friends with the natives like I do where ever I travel,but this was different. It seems like Costa Ricans want to blame every thing on everybody else. What did I do wrong? I'm just a 24 year old girl who took my travel dollars to Cost Rica.Do they have any idea how much misery they cause when they do these things.I didn't get a chance to enjoy the so-called natural beauty.I'm afraid alot of Costa Ricans have the same additude as the"prosecutor". I plan to spend my money in my own country the next time I go on vacation.

  23. come to my town mona. you probably have a target tattooed on your back that says bend me over and fuck me i'm easy!!

    Ill rob your ass anyday

  24. I have been coming to Costa Rica for 10 years visiting CR. I always thought it was a decent place since I only came as a tourist and stayed for a week at a time.As a tourist you don't necessarily see the nasty underbelly of this country. But then I moved here and found out what Costa Rica is REALLY like. It's exactly as this article said. I was laughing so hard. I think a lot more could be added! One thing is that those hot Costa Rican girls don't stay that way after they have their 1st baby. Why, cuz they get fat and stop taking care of themselves because now that they have the kid they can get the guys money for years and that is the only thing Ticas care about it MONEY. Thats why you see 20 year old hot chicks with 80 year old gringos. The U.S embassy got so fed up with young Ticas marrying old Gringos to get their green cards and his money, then divorcing him in 2 years and moving to the U.S. if they weren't already living there already; that they won't give papers to young ticas marrying old gringos anymore. Now these money grubbing bitches have to stay in Costa Rica with their old men and can't take him to the wringers with the divorce.

    And no this did not happen to me cuz I would never marry one of these short shelf-life women.

  25. 99% of this is pure (organic) crap! I have lived and worked in this country for 36 years and have never experienced most of the bullshit that was spewed out by these nasty mouthed idiots. The only reason that I ever return to the U.S. is for the ocacational funeral. Life is better, cleaner, friendlier, healthier and cheaper her. Most of the folks are good hard working people, but like any country, we do have a small percentage of jerks that make the headlines. Give us a visit, You'll be glad that you did!

    • I didnt feel safe there hardly left my hotel. How can you say its cheaper when i went to burger king and ordered a burger fries and a soda guy said 15$ and i laughted at him. Its a sin that it has to be like that because they have the most beautiful women i ever seen

  26. Ok guys…after reading Cojito for a couple of years and making a few comments from the "alaska-boomer-babe-looking-for-a-thawing-out-place" viewpoint, I made it to Costa Rica for a month.Just to be clear, I've traveled to 18 countries since I was 23 ala one backpack and lotsa moxie. This weren't my first rodeo, capiche? So I San Jose it for a little nip and tuck at the Catholic Hospital and Convento which was marvelous.Cross country within a week of the surgery, a week or so on the west coast beaches multiple points, then inland for excursions towards the end of December before back to San Jose and away. Bottom line? Maybe good for some, but not this babe. That "non-confrontational" thing that Cojito mentions is as miserable as any of the crime and underbelly topics we could dwell on.Whats the use of making any relationship with anyone who always tells you yes ok just to avoid discussion that might be "no"? In America we have done business on our word of honor, on a handshake for centuries. It is all a man really has…the essence of who we are, the divine in each of us to uphold a responsibility with everyone and everything we come into contact with during our short time on this planet. So, for me, CR was a letdown. One more place I spent a lot of time researching, finally made the trip, and checked it off my list. Home again, I waited 3 months to let it all sink in before I gave you my retrospect. As always, Cojito gives us the straight poop, and dammit I'm still leaning Latin cuz the language is so easy for me. But for now, I'm still looking at plaid flannel shirts, guys with green moss on their teeth who think they'll die if they don't wear a ball cap, hold in the windshield on their truck with duct tape, and think a musical is something you do with a fart. Wahoo. Jayme in Alaska

  27. Sounds like the main difference between Costa Rica and Mexico is that the girls are hotter-looking and more desperate. That makes it a much better though,

    The nasty things and bad attitudes you all describe though are pretty unanimous with all Spanish speaking countries. Lack of sanitation, take anvantage of anyone you can, stab a stranger in the back, don't trust anyone until proven trustworthy, police corruption, etc, etc…Spain passed-on their traditions when they settled the area, including the negatives. Its a way of life for these people and if you are not aware, you become the sucker and/or a victim. However once you earn their trust and friendship things will be different. Otherwise you are an target.

  28. Lol, I love all the people who get up in arms when someone presents a more realistic review of Costa Rica – most of those people have a vested interest in the country – they either own/sell Costa Rican real estate, own a restaurant, own a tourism business, etc., etc. As someone who lived on the Caribbean coast of Costa Rica for 9 years, I will tell you that this is one of the most accurate portrayals you will find. I personally witnessed septic trucks emptying human waste directly into the “pristine” creeks that run directly into the “blue flag” beaches. It’s a land of extremes – take it or leave it, just don’t believe the “it’s cheaper, it’s cleaner, it’s paradise, yada yada” hype – that’s all coming from people trying to sell you something.

    • Words cant explain how horrible the ticos and ticas are…. they are Morlocks….absolutely the most shallow, childish,,selfish,lying,lazy. dirty,two faced,,, the women are like feral cats… the men are like catty women….

  29. Its interesting to see the different opinions about this little country and the experiences people have. The main article when I first read it I really thought was joke for the most part anyway. But when I started to think about it I have to agree, to some degree anyway. I’ve been vacationing in CR for over 10 years in fact I’m here right now staying in Manual Antonio. I originally came to this country because I had heard about the woman and how beautiful they are and for sure they 10 years ago and they are still beautiful now. But would I marry one of them “Hell No”. But I wouldn’t marry any woman for that matter. I dateing two different girls here both of whom were not ticas. Mostly the local girls are simple and poor and I sence most of the American guys who marry them probably couldn’t get any girl who is beautiful no matter where they go. So they come down here through some money at them and they fall in love or something. All I know is that these guys look absolutely ridiculous and the girls take them for everything they got. Most guys are really only looking for sex but end up falling in love so they tell themselves. My advice is if you come down here looking for sex is don’t fall in love moron.
    Yes I’ve been robbed here more than once and it was totally my own fault, I left my gard down and that will happen anywhere. Keep your shit tight no and you’ll be okay here. The Costa Rican people are not foolish they know bull shit when they see it and they see a lot it from us gringos. But for the most part they are really good people if you take the time and get to know them, it’s that simple. Don’t be in such a rush, walk slowly and be respectful and you will be surprised and don’t think you’re smarter than them or look down on them. Just because you’re spending your money here don’t mean shit.
    As far as the human waste I personally have never seen or smelt shit in any of the waters here and I’ve traveled this country extend fully. I have heard rumors about Jaco so I stay clear of swimming there.
    I think i heard somewhere that CR is a rain forest and that it has a lot of jungle so yes there are many different types of critters and animals that potentially can kill you so I wouldn’t venture too far off the trail without a guide. The floral and wild life are amazing worth coming here for alone. The surfing is awesome so I’m told and from what I see, it is.
    There’s a lot more I want to say but I’m out of time to say it. So get down here use common sense and sensibility and you’ll be fine.

  30. Um that is so so so not true!!! I’ve been vacationing here for 4 years in tamarido and the people do bug us nor do they try to steal our stuff or sell drugs! I don’t know where u got this info but that’s not true, yes Costa Rica is poor but some places are nice, and so are the beaches, I’ve never once seen a jelly fish unless u swim 100 ft deep because odds are there won’t be one on the surface, my family and I took a tour and it was amazing! We zip lined, horse back rode, river rafting and more and we had a great time and I would do it again! U don’t need to be so mean! They try their best to work with what little they have! And the animals are fine and keep to them selfs and almost all of them are tame and don’t bug us either, u need to take this down because it’s not true your full of shit! U don’t know anything abut Costa Rica so don’t make these fake stories up!