breaking news!

a ten foot long crocodile dragged a fisherman into miraflores lake this week. it’s the third attack in three years. the fisherman was never found, and is presumed dead.

crocodile crime wave?

citing sobering statistics that show most croc attack victims have been fishermen, tour guides, escaped criminals, and house pets, an unlikely coalition is demanding the government take action.

“on Gatun lake, dogs and cats disappear all the time, even large German Shepperds.

“i can’t sneak in and illegally fish miraflores lake anymore. if i can’t catch fish for good friday, i’m going to hell.”

“they kill fisherman? in panama we have very many lawyer. why they no eat them?”

crocodiles not to blame?

eric jackson of the panama news writes there was a time when the old US canal administration hired hunters to keep the crocodile and cayman populations in Miraflores, Gatun and Madden Lakes under control, particularly the big ones who might reasonably be expected to grab someone who’s swimming or fishing in the lake. But now we have a narrow-minded Panamanian administration, who have degraded the canal watershed’s recreational value by, among other things, failing to control the crocodile population.

crack police unit announces plan to deal with the growing problem.

an elite police unit has hatched a cutting-edge plan that will feature under-cover officers dressed as fishermen, large dogs, and tour guides. “ it would be so easy if these crocs were selling drugs, or if they were colombian crocs,” said a senior member, “then we could just raid the lakes and rivers of panama, and arrest any croc we wanted. but some of these crocs are rumored to be connected to the government so we need to tread lightly.”

growing opposition to police plan.

critics of the plan note that hungry crocodiles are the most cost effective way of eliminating unsavory elements from the population. “it’s lamentable a few tour guides and fishermen are killed, but without the crocodile, the country would be overrun with ticos, colombians, gringos, and people that can’t run fast.”

panama’s doctors issue report on the dangers of second hand exposure to crocodiles!

a top physician said today that for most of us, watching your guide, fishing buddy, or poodle dragged screaming into a river is traumatic event. these beasts are not just killing our best and brightest, they’re damaging the very psyche of the nation.

how do you know if you’re a victim?

symptoms include fear of expensive leather products, the panama canal watershed, and Aleman Zubieta. health practitioners urge people to stay away from anyone being dragged into the water. cover your eyes and try not to listen to their horrible cries for help. tourists are reminded that panama’s a tropical paradise. they are instructed to ignore reports of bloody crocodile attacks before coming to panama.

friendship with crocodiles considered problematic.

don’t let their charismatic smile and easygoing demeanor fool you, crocodiles take take take, but only give pain. they make poor house pets, even for the most co-dependent personalities. they especially have trouble co-existing with fishermen, tour guides, and dogs. experts say, anyone who wants fish while in panama should go to the fish market. pets are told to stay indoors during croc season. and tour guides? you’re on your own.

what to look for - an exclusive artist rendering of the elusive panamanian cocodrillo.

bonus tip -

forget steve irwin. irwin’s dead mate. if you ever come face to face with a crocodile, or Lagarto as the natives call them, don’t wrestle with him. run! crocodiles are very fast on land, but can’t make sharp turns. if a croc closes on you make quick 90 degree turns. (courtesy of the panama forum.)

bonus tip 2 -

crocodile blood is said to be immune to all the diseases. it’s known to kill Plague bacteria, smallpox, and HIV. so pick up a pint when you’re in town.

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