in Learning Spanish

essential spanish travel phrases

forget hola, por favor, and gracias, we’ve got the insider lingo you desperately need!

most important –

darme un frio – give me a cold one.

esta lloviendo otra vez? mas ron pues. – it’s raining again? more rum then.

on the farm –

mira, un gato en botas – look, puss in boots.

(local joke about small brown natives wearing large black rubber boots.)

debe usted traer un machete a la tabla de cena? – must you bring your machete to the dinner table?

senor, tengo tan hambre, podria comer su burro – sir, i’m so hungry, i could eat your donkey.

(campesinos appreciate fair warning before you consume their livestock.)

senora, cuantos para tu hija? – madam, how much for your daughter?

(don’t take the first price offered – expect to haggle.)

podria arrima tu prima? – may i bang your cousin?

(remember, you don’t need to pay for cousins, but it’s only polite to ask.)

on a crowded bus –

ay dios, esos campensinos huele mal – oh god, these peasants stink.

mi dios esos gringos son gordo – my god those gringos are fat.

pienso que la monja robo mi carpeta – i think that nun stole my wallet.

(the u.s. state department warns travelers to watch out for shifty nuns.)

on lake gatun –

ayudeme que un cocodrilo comio a mi esposa – help me a croc ate my wife.

(anyone going through a messy divorce should consider bringing the wife and kids to lake gatun.)

chat up lines –

darme un beso pues – give me a kiss then.

chica, tu tienes un culo de avispa – girl, you have the butt of a wasp

(a big ass)

oye chica, un raton come tu lengua? – hey girl, rat got your tongue?

(we say cat, they say rat.)

soy feo pero sabrosso – i’m ugly but delicious.

soy gordo pero muy rico – i’m fat but very rich.

a typical pickup –

chica es usted casada? – you married girl?

si cocobolito – yes baldy.

no es importa. chupa mi huevos, tengo rolex. – it doesn’t matter. suck my balls, i have a rolex.

3 minutes later

aqui esta $20, y mi saludos a su marido – here’s $20, and say hi to your husband.

when people hassle you in the street –

pendejo, dejeme solo – leave me alone stupid.

vete pues – get out of here.

no, no deseo comprar esas flores de mierda- no i don’t want to buy those fucking flowers.

chingate – fuck you.

eating out –

camarero, si deseo la rata, puedo ir a Peru – waiter, if i want rat, i can go to Peru.

camarera, hay una gusano en mi ensalada – waitress, there’s a worm in my salad.

Donde esta el bano? quiro vomitar. – Where is the bathroom? i want to vomit.

donde esta el bano? tengo diariah explosivo – where’s the bathroom i have explosive diariah.

at the whorehouse –

Yo no comere esta cuna, ella es sucia! – I will not eat this pussy, it is dirty!

estoy en una pension. usted tiene un descuento para los jubilados? – i’m on a pension. do you have a discount for senior citizens?

cuantos mas para el beso negro ? – how much extra for sucking ass?

es la puta con una pierna mas barata? – is the one legged hooker cheaper?

at the doctors –

ayudame mi pene es en fuego. – help me my penis is on fire.

reporting to the cops –

no jefe – yo no conozco esas putas – no boss, i don’t know these whores.

me pierden, donde la casa de la puta yo se lee alrededor en Lonely Planet – i’m lost, where’s the whore house i read about in Lonely Planet?

riding in the taxi –

senor tus olorres del taxi tiene gusto del culo. – sir, your taxi smells like ass.

dime senor, porque tienes una pistola – tell me sir, why do you have a gun.

in church –

perdoneme el padre pero amo a putas – forgive me father but i love whores.

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17 Comments

  1. You should write a travel guide! Too often I could not bring myself to help old gringos translate. I once heard, "No gusto hombres viejo, blanco, y gordo." from a young woman to a gringo, as she smiled and spoke sweetly to him. He begged me to translate. Just couldn't do it…….

  2. vieja – hello, i am writing a travel guide lol. my favorite from above is, soy feo, pero sabrosso. seriously, i use that one all the time.

    lakesdiver – i had you in mind when i wrote this up. christ, we all know how you get when there's not enough spanish translation, and cuy/pisco sour chat.

  3. had this really crappy morning…trying to quit smoking again…pissed off at everbody and everything…to put it lightly, I'm in mal humor.

    found myself turning to you and now, between this and getting to know harry, i found myself laughing to the point of tears.

    nice lunch break, now back to the thoroughly miserable day i was having.

  4. Hey cojito, got my ticket… I will be flying into Panama on sept. 5th… I get in at 8 or 9pm something like that…… So as this is my first time in the country….Where should I check in at?….. I nice clean hotel or motel… not too expensive…… and whats the deal with the taxies…. what do I do go upstairs to departures to get the best price or does that really matter?….Finally… wheres the party at when I git there?… and who's bringin the booze?!…..Im a newbe to the country so It means for the first week or two I get free drinks right?….

    yeahdogg

  5. .todbals

    he's back in the states working his ass off to earn money to return to panama. he does this every summer. don't worry…the cult of the cojitpo lives…hey!!! maybe we should go take care of his girlfriend for him…what are friends for?

  6. exclusive update for cult of cojito members!

    marco's right kids. i'm back on cape cod, staying in a buggy, one room cabin, working 7 days a week. on the other hand, my girlfriend's still in panama, alone, and the way she tells it – "very horny."

    so, if one (or more) of you guys wouldn't mind dropping by my flat, and giving alex a good rogering, i'd be forever in your debt.

    (please note, i always leave a few bucks on the dresser afterwards. the more money i leave, the faster she stops weeping.)

    and no worries – i'll be back in panama, and writing regularly again in sept. until then, i'll try to be better about posting weekly updates. in my defense, my internet access is thru the library. and it's usually closed when i finish work.

    cheers.

  7. Cojito…hope your working papers are in order up there in the Cape. I hear they are really clamping down on illegals working up there…and if you dont show up on the IRS search or have a very valid Soc Sec card, you could find yourself in deep doo doo. Hopefully you have found work not requiring the filing of a W2 LOL.

    We'll be here holding the fort for you in Panama…and looking up your old address.

  8. on 21 Jul 2007 at 1:40 pm 11.vieja said …

    "Just learned a new one today. policia muerto Literally, dead police. It is a speed bump."

    jajajajajajajaja-sounds like something that should be done here in the USA in some places. You figure out if I'm talking about speed bumps, or using 'policia muerto to 'literally'….buil…describe them.

    I contribute to the Fraternal Order of Police. the sticker on my car has saved me from getting tickets on more than one occasion when I've been pulled over.

    Cojito better be careful chasing the whores in the Cape, it's not as safe (legally,or physically);)to do it there especially if you're drunk, as it is in Panama. Maybe I should send him by little plastic FOP active supporter card I got for donating $25.

  9. Lads, Coijito,

    Love the site. Fuckin brilliant stuff. So I'm stuck in Dublin wondering where to hit up next. Me and a mate are thinkin of headin done to panama city for a long weekend. Via Guatemala. long story, doesnt matter. What would u recommend are the good nightclubs for a couple of good looking Irishmen to ply their trade? Fancy comin along? September timeframe. Really.

    dave

  10. Paddywagon
    la bodeguita on calle uruguay is a popular spot on friday and sat nights. hookers and local girls both.
    great brothel – golden time — in el dorado on tomba muerto — beautiful colombian girls…should cost aroung $100 for an hour of fun. they’ll walk 15 girls past you and you chose one. then she take you to a little room with a bed and a shower.

  11. vieja – "policia muerto," very nice, hadn't heard that one. if you, or anyone else knows any other "essential travel phrases," leave 'em here.

    Tman – i'm on cape cod. the only thing we worry about here is bad shellfish.

    fastfreddie – think i need to create a plastic supporter card for the cult of cojito. lol it would open doors, get cult members laid, and encourage donations.

    dave – thanks. let us know when you hit p-city.

    good looking Irishmen eh? i think that's where your story falls apart lol. really – no one's going to believe that dave. next you'll be telling us you don't drink guinness, brits have great teeth, and americans are mostly thin and smart.

    actually, you should do quite well down here. so far the local girls haven't quite figured out what bastards we all are. listen to marco. marco knows all about seedy clubs to ply your "trade."

    unless your "trade" is stone masonry. if that's the case you're shit out of luck.