a friend writes asking if i’ve found “clarity.”
no my friend, not since i was 15 and i knew with a great degree of moral certainty that i needed to get laid. 3 times a day if i remember correctly.
clarity’s just not something i’ve experienced in a long long while. i think it all gets sketchy after 50. things fall apart, marriages end, health fades, friends sicken and die.
these last few months have been particularly troubling. so much has happened: yellowbeard’s horrific accident, alex’s miracle-grow cysts, and looming surgery, and panama’s ever changing visa rules top the list.
now all my writing feels false. i’m not sure what this all means, or even where i’ll be in a year. baring a last minute reprieve, i do think i’ll sell my flat in el cangrejo.
i anticipate a crash, and i want to see how the sale goes. will i get ripped off? will i turn a small profit? will the visa rules change and allow me to stay? good or bad, i plan to write about these experiences here.
no worries cult of cojito members; it’s too soon to start killing congressmen, and drinking koolaid. panama after hours is not going to die anytime soon. bottom line: panama’s still a wicked cool place, it’s people fantastic.
i still plan on writing, and working on this e-zine. moulding my insipid words into a modest revenue stream would solve more than a few of my immediate problems.
if reports are true, (i just figured he really believed what he was writing), and the u.s gov is paying the whiner to post pro u.s bullshit in his rag, maybe the cia should contact cojito.
i mean - who’d suspect cojito of being a propagandist for the American government? it’s the perfect cover. just remember, i know how much you guys spend on toilet seats, so don’t try an’ low ball me.
with my buddy caleb i haven’t found any clever words. when confronting the unknown i behave like heathens the world over. i offer incantations, and angry oaths. and i mostly live in denial. because the reality of losing someone like caleb is too painful to contemplate.
i know, i know, light a candle, pray to god. listen, the only way Jesus gets in the cojito foxhole is if he’s loaded with good rum and hookers.
unless you’re stoned (and if you are - blow a few hits my way), you’ve noticed i’ve been trying on a couple of new wordpress themes. themes with code i can tweak. i want to give panama after hours a unique look, more room to grow, and still feature the writing.
it’s all about the writing. and i fear a permanent return to the states. i don’t want to end up as before; working, but not writing. surviving, but not really living.
i want to thank everyone for checking back and offering comments. stay tuned.
Well, it looks like the 90 day visa will return.
It seems that something else is making Panama less important for you.
Maybe you’re a little worn down by all the crap that’s landed on you. This too shall pass.
Comment by Tom — August 29, 2007 @ 11:51 am
lol what will pass? - all the crap that’s fallen on my head? heh, i dunno, maybe we’ll all get flushed together. in the last year or so it has felt like we’re all circling the drain.
i haven’t made any decisions about leaving, just about selling. this gov continues to do some impossibly stupid things (read the latest issue of the panama news), making investment in panama much less attractive.
i expect it will take at least a year to sell anyway. so i’ll be around. i read panama’s visa rules change all the time. so yeah, maybe it’ll change back before i have to leave again.
ive also read that if we wait long enough by the toilet the bodies of our ememies will get flushed by. but i think the toilets down here have smaller openings. they’re always getting backed up.
Comment by cojito — August 29, 2007 @ 1:32 pm
Cojito,
Sorry to hear about your misfortunes. My heart is with you. You’re resilient and smart, though. You’ll get through it.
Meet me on the other side - the mantra of the sick instructors who put me through hell. Whether it was underwater swims or jumps from helicopters, these bastards always said the same thing. Shit, those SEALS could kill your ass. Apparently they did.
I went to SAR (search and resue) school way back in 83 in Jacksonville, FL. The instructors were all SEALS and they had no time for nonsense. They put us all in the deep end of an olymic size pool and they told us to tread water without our arms for 10 minutes.
Sound easy? Try it some time. The guy next to me gave up after about 5 minutes and swam to the side of the pool and was in the process of hoisting himself out of the pool when an instructor came over and literally kicked him in the face. This guy flopped back in the water and the SEAL instructor was yelling “you don’t quit until we say you can quit”. My hands went way up and I survived.
Underwater swims. I still have nughtmares about these. Every day the herd would be culled by one. Every day we would jump (not dive) into the water and swim underwater to the other side. After everyone had performed this trick a few times, the sharks would move in. If you were unable to continue, the “sharks” would grab you and hold your head underwater until they deposited you on the other side.
The SEALS were tough as hell. They fucked with more than your mind - they fucked with your will to live. They were relentless and they epitomized the best of the Navy.
I survived that. I went on to work with the SEALS down in Panama. I have great respect for the SEALS.
Res Ipsa Loquitor.
Patriccio
Comment by Patriccio — August 29, 2007 @ 2:47 pm
thanks - both of you guys.
Tom - i misread one word in your post (worn - worm) lol. i think my mind is going. i’ve edited my response because of that.
but really, my problems are nothing next to caleb’s, his mom and brothers, or alex’s and her family. really, i’ve been very lucky in my life. i may have lost some people i’ve cared about. i may be confused, and flu ridden. but i know i’ve had it good. and i’ll figure it all out.
i’m with you patriccio. i have great respect for the seals. my bro did seal training. he’s told me how hard it was. i really think it changed his life.
Comment by cojito — August 29, 2007 @ 4:33 pm
cojito,
My thought and prayers are with you for your GF and calebs family….here’s some words of wisdom…
“The world aint all sunshine and rainbows.It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you down to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life…….But it aint how hard you hit: its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward…How much can you take and keep moving forward.thats how winning is done” - Rocky Balboa 2006
Comment by Tmc55 — August 29, 2007 @ 4:52 pm
Cojito,
Glad to hear from ya, bro. Life sure throws curveballs once in a while, eh?
I tell you stories to get your mind back on track. We’ve all faced trials and tribulations. My life has been an endless series of such mind fucks, but so what?
The pussy is hot, the beer’s cold and my pecker still jumps at the sight of a skirt.
What more can a man ask for?
Comment by Patriccio — August 29, 2007 @ 10:48 pm
enough money to pay for the hot pussy, cold beer and viagra…:)
Comment by Tman — August 30, 2007 @ 11:50 am