i talk a lot of smack about Colombians, particularly Colombian hookers. but if you ever get to spend time with one you might find yourself intoxicated. love, lust, morbid curiosity, mortal terror, whatever you want to call it, the women of Colombia can get under your skin and stain you soul.

or at least get it all sticky. i had a relationship with a Colombiana. this was years ago, long before i went mad from syphilis. the girl had a wild temper. but i’m happy to report she did not kidnap, shoot or stab me.

she did almost fuck me to death. i remember one day in particular. i’d just cum for the 4th time in under an hour. and i was rolling on the floor holding my groin. i was in tragic pain. but she just laughed at me, while she snorted another line of coke from a dirty mirror. kids, there’s a special hell reserved for the man whose balls have run dry.

despite that, i had an enormous amount of fondness for my Colombian girlfriend. i knew she was from small village, but i could never get her to talk about Colombia. she was never going back. it was “too dangerous,” she said. when she was ready she’d send for the kids. i assume that meant when she met the right man.

i might have been the right man, if she hadn’t been a coke whore with 2 kids, and i hadn’t been pot smoking college student with 2 student loans. i could have switched i suppose. but i felt cocaine was an unjustifiable extravagance given there were so many poor people in the world. so we drifted apart.

i was reminded of my colombian ex after reading a fascinating story over on the independent. it’s about a photo-journalist who falls in love with a girl who was originally part of the AUC (Autodefensas Unidas de Colombia), the Colombian paramilitaries. it’s a ripping tale: man falls for sexy paid assassin. they’re even saying it will be made into a Hollywood movie.

i’ll grant you, the story has potential. but it needs work before it becomes a blockbuster. for example, what self-respecting woman falls in love with a photo journalist? and where’s the dramatic tension? it’s not like she actually tried to kill him. she just rethought her career path and ended up getting stoned to death.

it happens. my Colombian girlfriend probably died getting stoned as well. but you don’t hear me whining about it in the independent. and my girl was far more dangerous. She had a sex drive that would have killed a lesser man. i’d be surprised if she wasn’t the one who gave me this crippling syphilis.

On the net - I fell in love with a female assassin • farc diaries

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