in Old School

When Tapirs Attack!

Costa Rica 4/23:

Search parties found Costa Rica’s missing energy minister Saturday suffering from a nasty bite by a wild tapir after he got lost in a jungle reserve two days earlier. – Rueters

While no one’s willing to go on record and talk openly about the smug tapir in our living room, there appears to be mounting evidence that highly-placed government officials are being targeted in these vicious attacks.

This year alone there have been numerous reports of alleged animal mayhem: former Justice Minister Olga Golcher of Panama, (smeared with howler monkey feces), former Colombian Justice Minister Alberto Santofimio (thrown off an angry burro and nearly buggered to death in the streets of Cartagena), The Nicaraguan Minister of Agriculture and Forestry Mario A. De Franco (skinned, and made into a handsome set of luggage by a vengeful crocodile).

Police report they are investigating other possible attacks: Health Minister Carlos Vallejos of Peru, (head-butted by a llama on his way home from a brothel), Costa Rica’s Planning Minister, Kevin Casas Zamora (suffered broken legs when he was ambushed by a leatherback turtle), Roberto Dobles, Costa Rica’s Environment Minister (had his toes eaten off by an iguana after he passed out from too much guaro), and Panama’s Minister of Tourism and Salsa, Rubén Blades (dragged out to sea by a bottle nose dolphin while skinny dipping off Bocas Del Toro).

Word is officials will immediately begin installing security cameras in all national parks. Later plans include hiring naturalist bodyguards for all government officials until Central and South America’s dangerous national parks can be sanitized (clear cut and burned), and all the animals rounded up and put into zoos where they belong.

Care to Comment?


  1. The really dangerous animals freely roam the streets of the city.

    Tapirs? Shit, a tapir is just a big fucking pig-like animal with an overgrown snout. Easily repelled with a stick or a good roundhouse kick.

    Venomous snakes, scorpions and centipedes are a problem in the interior. But the real venom comes in more insidious forms…

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