I’ve always enjoyed Thanksgiving in Panama: the music tipico, “chicha fuerte”, and those funny conquistador hats. I remember one year we cooked up a conejo. Another time we broiled an iguana.
At least I was told it was iguana. It could have been monkey balls for all I know. Not that I’m complaining. Everyone knows Panama has some of the finest monkey balls in the world.
The best thing about Thanksgiving in Panama is that I don’t have to do too much. You know the culture. The women do all the cooking and cleaning. The men do all the drinking and complaining. And everyone’s happy as long as there’s enough to eat.
Unfortunately, I was in Arizona this year. And I was invited to dine with Mormons; or as I like to call them, my vaguely racist relatives. Now my family is too old to cook. They mostly sit around in their magic underwear watching Fox news and complaining about liberals, illegals, and activist judges.
In other words, my family has outlived their usefulness to society. So it fell on me to cook the bird. No, that’s not a euphemism for ending their miserable lives. I’m saying I had to purchase and bake an actual turkey. I also baked cranberry bread. What can I say, I’m a giver.
The best part of the whole affair was watching them get fatter. Oh sure, I’ve seen them in the wild, circling the ice cream freezer at Safeway in their motorized chairs like hypoglycemic sharks; but to actually watch their arteries clog, their bellies bloat, as they struggled to make sense of the recent presidential election.
Priceless. I cried. Just like I did the night Obama was elected. Obesity and heart disease are the great equalizers kids. These people are ticking time bombs. And I think that may be what Squanto and Massasoit had in mind when they gave those illegal immigrants all that food.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my relatives were all decent folk. At least until time turned them into gibbering monkeys. It’s just that spending the holidays with all of them is about as exciting as watching Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity fuck.
We had this conversation just before the Mormons said grace:
“Phoenix has the highest crime rate in the country,” my cousin begins.
“Um, did anyone bring rum,” I say.
“Filthy Mexicans,” my Uncle says.
“Seriously dudes, didn’t anyone bring booze?”
I’m sure I’m sounding desperate. But how can I be expected to endure this without alcohol? My cuz ignores me, and hits me with the punch line.
“Mexicans bring crime and disease. And I don’t care whether Mexican-American’s are profiled and discriminated against. If they have to suffer, so be it. Their parents or grandparents came here illegally anyway.”
The whole time I’m thinking, is this Arizona, or Mississippi circa 1950? I don’t tell my cuz that studies show affluent whites are more likely to commit crime, that Latino immigrants are too Catholic, and working too hard flipping burgers and cutting grass to commit much crime, that Anglos aren’t indigenous to North America, or that if you want to eliminate crime just castrate all males, or deport them.
Instead, I think back to my Thanksgivings in Panama, and how I found their brand of xenophobia equally offensive. My friends in Panama don’t like to think of themselves that way. But they still proudly call themselves 100% Panamanian, they still talk smack about Anglos, Chombitos, Cholos, Chinos, Indios, Hatians, Mexicans and Colombians.
I don’t need to be hopped-up on fermented monkey balls to see that both cultures have issues. I guess we all do. And we need change. That’s why this Thanksgiving I’m thankful for Barack Obama. He’s multiracial, smart and our President. And as long as Squanto remains dead, that’s as good a place as any to start.
obama has put together a foreign policy team that will continue the neocon war policies and a finance team that will continue to bailout the wall street scumbags who started this whole financial mess. do i think McCain was better? fuck no. that’s why i didn’t (and never) vote. obama is going to have the honor of presiding over and speeding up the decline of the world’s most corrupt and disgusting empire. his free lunch spending programs will put the final nail in the coffin that bush built. can you say “weimar” boys and girls? get ready to use a wheelbarrow to cart your dollars to albertson’s to buy a loaf of bread. may they ALL rot in hell…
Comment by marcopolo — December 3, 2008 @ 4:13 pm
If you didn’t vote then shut the fuck up and sit down. You relinquished your right to bitch and moan by not voting.
I know Cojito at least lived for a while near where I grew up on Cape Cod…him Wellfleet, me, Orleans. There we had REAL democracy known as Town Meeting. Everyone had a chance to get up on their hind legs and have their say. When warrants were voted on the Moderator called for the “Yeas and the Nays.” If there was a doubt then it was, and this is where the term comes from, called to “Stand up and be counted.”
Coming from that tradition I firmly believe that the only wasted vote is the one not cast, and just because the Repbuliscum and the Dumbocrats put up a clown each doesn’t mean that those are the only choices available to you, and voting for someone else is your way of saying I don’t want your guy, or YOUR guy, I’d rather have THIS GUY HERE.
So if you couldn’t get of your lazy ass and vote you’ve got absolutely no right to bitch and moan.
Comment by oldsalt_1942 — December 3, 2008 @ 10:23 pm
Not sure what Marco is upset about as he didn’t have a dog in this fight. I mean if you can’t even bring yourself to pull the lever for a Cynthia McKinney joke vote then stfu. For myself, having performed my civic duty, I feel totally betrayed by Obama’s choices and the direction he’s chosen.
I had been ready to sit this one out and bite down hard on my opinions until John McCain loaded up those Palin girls on the old ’straight-talk’ express ;-) The fact that the older one was knocked up and getting all the press meant nobody was paying attention to the bewitching Willow. I voted my dirty old penis. (I might have still held back but I desperately needed a visual douche after seeing Chris Matthews on YouTube felching ‘Bama leavin’s from Olberman’s cornhole.)
After having voted I felt free to spend at least the next four years bitching anonymously online about the O-Man’s Stalinist regime while lying to young black women about how I cried when I just knew that America had finally shed its racist past. Now I feel about as wanted (or needed) as John Edwards at his next wedding anniversary.
On the upside I probably still have a better than average chance of getting laid on my next trip to Cahuita. ¡Viva la Revolución!
Comment by pete — December 5, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
You are a total scumbag for saying such disgusting things about your family. Last I checked people had a right to believe in whatever they want. Let’s hope they live longer than you.
Comment by Steven — December 6, 2008 @ 11:07 am
Pete - lol You cynical bastard. I plan to use the same routine in Colon. Except for added effect I’ll pin a tearstained “Obama ‘08″ button on my guayabera.
Steven - Lighten-up. I served them turkey and cranberry bread. How much of a scumbag could I really be?
Comment by cojito — December 6, 2008 @ 4:41 pm
Cojito! Cranberry bread?! You?! I’m impressed! …and I frequently retort to my relations that Squanto shoulda’ built a damn wall! Keep out those lazy, good-for-nothing, thieving blancos!
Comment by lakesdiver — January 5, 2009 @ 3:48 pm
I didn´t vote because I will not be a part in any manner of a hoax on the american people. anyone with the money to run for president is as crooked as a dogs back leg. The entire USA is crooked, and I feel sorry that(short of a total revolution) the people don´t stand a snowballs chance in hell of getting an honest man past the corporations and into the white house. I personally am glad Obama is hammering in the ¨final nail of the coffin¨. Maybe when the house of cards that corporate america built tumbles the people will wake up, and see that trying to protect their pocketbook with their vote is really turning their pocketbook over to the fatcats.
Cojito, sorry to hear that you chose Arizona to Jinotega, Nicaragua, we now have high-speed internet, and great weather, plenty of Rum and women. Come visit some time.
Comment by fastfreddie — February 10, 2009 @ 11:22 am
how are you liking Nicaragua? very curious. i have to be in Arizona right now for my mom. but i won’t be here long. mom’s 90+
Comment by Cojito — February 11, 2009 @ 7:44 pm
Hey Cojito; Man I thought you weren´t here anymore. I personally don´t have internet (yet), so I haven´t been ´tuning in´much lately. Nicaragua is good to me, Twelve year old Flor De Caña is 286 cordobas — $1.00 is now 19.95 cambio– do the math. I´m 61 years old and I don´t look bad I´ve got females from 13 to 70 asking me if I want a ¨novia¨.I´ve been offered
free living on a 7 acre finca, a stones throw from Lago Apanas, with a 42yr old widow and her three children that includes free medical care from her sister the Doctor. The Finca is filled with mango trees coffee bushes, has a small stream flowing through it. The temperature here is never below 50 and never above 90. Another widow owns a ferriteria. another is single 35 no kids and is half owner of a farmacia. You get the picture.
I live alone in a small house in San Rafael Del Norte(rent $50 mo. housekeeper,$30 mo). The highest town of any size in Nicaragua. 27 kilometers North of Jinotega (less than $1 and 45 minutes by bus)Cool breezes always. You can´t beat that with a stick. My pension is only $800 a month but I live like a king. Damned….. this is great!!!
But keep your hand on your billfold at all times, cause everybody and their brother is looking for a way in.
Come on down and have a drink with me some time. You will probably not want to leave. (I lived in Chandler and Dolan Springs, Az for awhile, not bad, but I´d rather be here.
Fastfreddie.
One night in June
stars shine,
big moon.
In park on bench,
with girl
in clench.
Me smart
me fast,
me get
hitched fast.
Another night
in June,
Stars shine
big moon.
Ain´t happy
no more,
carry baby,
walk floor.
Wife mad
she fuss,
me mad
me cuss.
Me realize
at last,
Me too damned fast.
I remembered this from a ¨Parts Pup¨ magazine when I was a kid. Don´t recall the authors name, it´s been close to 50 yrs.
fastfreddie
Comment by fastfreddie — March 24, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
Loved the story about the family.
Grew up in Mississippi, left to escape the rednecks and mindset. Ended up in Louisiana -it was worse. Racism is still considered “otay!”, people speed up and swerve to run down dogs, and I actually had to witness a large group of students push a wheelchair bound student out of the way to fill the elevator.
Moved to New Mexico - still stupid redneck assholes (forgive the redundancy) around but near as thick. I may end up being your neighbor soon.
Comment by Wes — July 14, 2010 @ 7:05 pm