TO THE COMMITTEE TO ELECT BALBINA HERRERA:
I would like to write for, and assist Balbina’s campaign for president of Panama. Who am I? Think of me as a pot smoking Karl Rove, but with a bigger penis and better music collection.
I’m not cheap. I’m American. So I’ll need a starting salary of at least $100k, my own government issue 4×4 with tinted windows and bulletproof glass.
Of course I’ll expect you to provide me with an assistant. She should be young, very bendy, and like to get it on with old gringos. A nymphomaniac gymnast would be nice. But please, nobody from San Miguelito. I really can’t afford to catch the clap again.
Look, I’ve seen the latest polls. Balbina Herrera needs help. Supermarket king Ricardo Martinelli is kicking Balbina’s huge brown ass. And this business about Balbina enriching herself in government office is not helping the cause.
Critics can be so cruel. But we can’t afford to dwell on the past. We need bold action. We need to crush and humiliate the opposition. So I say we go old school and resuscitate the San Miguelito Dignity Battalion. Surely there are plenty of her Norieguista BFFs just itching to get back in the game.
If we’re going to war, I really think we need to break out the “Civilista Visto, Civilista Muerto” chant, maybe update it to something like “Cambio Democratico Visto, Cambio Democratico Muerto. And lets change that lame “De Corazón – From The Heart” campaign slogan to something more appropriate. How about Del Hoyo del Infierno – From The Pit of Hell?
I should also mention that I really don’t write, nor do I speak much Spanish; just enough to order up room service, or tell a hungry street urchin to fuck off. But it’s probably better the natives can’t read what’s really coming from Balbina Herrera’s heart.
And let’s face it, Spanish is a dead language anyway. I’d feed my children to crocodiles before I’d let them speak Spanish. However, I do communicate well with strippers, hookers and the fringe press. Or as I like to call them, the pervert demographic. And these are the people Balbina will need in her corner if she expects to win.
Balbina, the $100k is negotiable, the nymphomaniac gymnast is not.
Your faithful servant,