it’s raining again, and i’m in the back of a taxi with alex (my girlfriend) $260 worth of groceries, booze, and x-mas lights. our [tag]chirstmas tree[/tag]‘s strapped to the roof. most of this stuff is for the relatives. the girlfriends – not mine. i guess they haven’t mastered cooking turkey on a hot plate, because they all come down from the hills of arraijan to stay with us for the holidays.

alex tells the driver to proceed “con calma.” he seems like a cool cat; polite, talkative. his right hand’s a silver hook. it’s got a nifty thumb-like attachment that allows him to push forward on the stick shift. he’s let the nails grow dangerously long on his left hand, like the blade of an oyster knife.

our taxi makes a frothy wake as we motor up the street. halfway home we’re confronted by an angry river of mud. i feel it hit the taxi, and feel rain fall on my shoulder from a hole in the roof. drip drip drip. i’m wet, broke, and being driven by edwardo scissorhands. it’s just another day in the life of “[tag]el cheapo[/tag].”

on my balcony, i sip a little flor de cana over ice, and dial up [tag]noriegaville[/tag] on the wireless. hidden amongst the horror and filth (panama’s – not okke’s), there’s a benign little story about the types of people who retire here. prima panama did the survey, and it looks like foreigners who move to panama are mostly from the U.S., frustrated with the government, and, in Okke’s words, “archetypal el cheapos.”

now i flunked statistics (twice), but it looks to me like the actual amount of people surveyed is probably not statistically relevant. and one wonders what self-selecting group had the time and inclination to participate. surely most of us had better things to do; like relentless masturbation, or swimming naked with crocodiles.

flawed? sure. but we at panama after hours don’t need no stinkin’ facts, nor even a bogus survey to tell us what’s up. its already well documented, U.S. seniors are looking for a cheaper lifestyle. baby boomers are looking for a chill place to touch down. “el cheapo” is on the move.

the panamanian government (visionaries all), [tag]colombian coca[/tag] millionaires, and trump wannabes developing panama city are well aware. so while denying panama’s jubliados a modest cost of living increase, the government instead offers incentives to wealthy foreigners. discounts and lower taxes for “el cheapo,” a big fuck you for panama’s poor. but why?

indeed. why lavish gifts on people who will soon be fertilizer. isn’t there already enough of that in panama? if you read the papers you might say yes. but, listen to this shit. alex and her friends are fond of reminding me how the local economy tanked after the U.S. left panama. restaurants (like nikos) swollen with servicemen, ersatz [tag]william walker[/tag]s, and [tag]cia spies[/tag], were emptied overnight. the way they tell it, it was a huge loss. alex lost her job. others lost their businesses.

from their perspective, it wasn’t the poor who wanted the U.S. out. it was the wealthy elite. the poor, they claim, felt safer with the U.S. i’ve lived here 3 years, and i’ve yet to meet any Panamanians who trust the government.

now, it seems at least some at the top have had a change of heart. not about stealing greasy crumbs from the mouths of the poor, but about the U.S. in panama. the thinking goes something like this; come on down “el cheapo,” just don’t turn on the lights, or step on us as we feed on your leavings. my apartment in boston was infested with cockroaches who wanted that same deal.

so, are educated americans in [tag]panama[/tag] frustrated with the government, and tight with a buck? probably. the government’s corrupt, and for many reasons, it’s smart to adopt a frugal lifestyle when living in panama. still, i don’t think prima panama’s survey takes into account all the money we spend on rum, [tag]gambling[/tag], [tag]strippers[/tag], and [tag]whores[/tag]. truth is, my biggest “frustration” has been finding cheap aspirin for my hangovers, and knowing how much to tip for happy endings.

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