eat this

plantains

panama’s the place to confront the unexpected. if you’re lucky, you get hit upside the head every day. traveler’s can find adventure ’round every corner. but only if they look beyond the pristine beaches, turquoise waters, and shady palms.

a seemingly benign example: food. there’s lots of cool stuff to gnaw on down here. just look at that bad boy in the photo above. while shopping in supermercado rey i found this specimen sandwiched between the unsuspecting peppers, and oblivious eggplant. the natives call it a plantain or platano. looks like your basic banana on ‘roids.

but according to an international researcher i met while drinking scotch; plantain is the genteel, spanish word for crocodile penis. though the evidence is razor thin, some say non-existent, he believes the greenish member has a rich and colorful history on the isthmus. he reported these findings to me while artfully slipping a fiver into the thong of our colombian stripper/waitress.

to wit, kuna’s may have eaten it for generations (which could, he argues, explain their prodigious, snapping genitalia). further, he says pirate henry morgan and his starving men, might have feasted on it just before sacking panama city. finally, it’s possible that recently de-classified CIA documents will show manuel noreiga was lured from church santurary with an offer of fried crocodile penis.

not many can resist its siren call. particularly after its been cooked over a flaming cup of sterno on the streets of central. not me anyway. happily, i don’t have to. because it’s still cheap and ubiquitous in panama. don’t be taken in by the counterfeits ( e.g. capybara penis) sold in the dark alleyways of curundu. real croc penis is available at most good supermarkets.

it looks much like your grandfather’s penis. it has the same scarred appearance, and greenish hide; only its longer, thicker, harder, and in a pinch, could actually pleasure a woman. there are several recipes for cooking it. but to list them all would be beyond the scope of this article.

i recommend you try it thinly sliced, and fried in olive oil (as in the pic above). my girlfriend prefers to wrap it in foil and bake it whole. i’m told french travelers will smother it in a rich, bearnaise-type sauce. i don’t know where they get their reputations for being gourmands. cunts - they’d put sauce on hamburger if you let ‘em.

when you ask for it (and you will), do not call it crocodile penis. that’s considered impolite, and will mark you as just another untutored gringo. simply ask for plantains, platano, or plantano, give them a conspiratorial wink, and they’ll hook you up.

to the fucking moralists back home i say, there’s nothing dirty about eating crocodile penis. unless you’re chinese. since the dong dynasty the chinese have believed croc penis to be a potent aphrodisiac. but don’t get sucked in by the hype. we at panama after hours think using crocodile penis in this manner smacks of hellish desperation.

and in panama, desperation’s only appropriate when there’s a line at the liquor store. crocodile penes, or plantains, taste great with whatever you’re drinking. they’re just one of the many exotic foods on hand in panama to delight the palate. but only for those adventurous enough to give ‘em a try.

next up: seven ways to saute the endangered panamanian climbing rat.

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