a christmas miracle in panama

i fuckin’ hate christmas; the phony good cheer, insipid music, obscene commercialism, seasonal prominence of one of the most vile organizations in history (re: catholic church) , and worst of all, los mocosos running ’round the house screaming, and soiling the divan with their sticky fluids. in times like these i wish i was a jew.

in a perfect world we’d all be jewish, or at least drunk, pantless, and wandering our favorite brothels with a gold card. instead, like all good christians, we spend the week leading up to christmas in a hellish scramble for gifts, food, and booze.

yesterday, supermercado rey ran out of los grandes. they’re the kind of big-ass turkey that will feed an army of machete wielding campesinos. sure, los campesinos are family, but you can’t be too careful when they come calling on christmas eve. if you let ‘em get hungry, or sober up, the day could end in a grisly bloodbath.

i think it has something to do with low blood sugar.

so while waiting on via agrentina for another taxi to take us to yet another supermarket, i walked over to a small park and took this photo. you might recognize the fat head of albert. he’s a local landmark in el cangrejo.

why is albert’s disproportionately large head in el cangrejo? the erich von daniken’s among you will claim it was left by an ancient race of giants. eric jackson of the panama news has a more prosaic explanation; he believes albert’s here because he was a jew, and back in the day, el cangrejo was a jewish enclave.

but we at panama after hours know lots of jews, and their fat heads aren’t laying around el cangrejo. so we offer up a more plausible explanation; the head was left to mark the location of the new york bagel cafe; a new shop that just opened last september.

inside the new york bagel cafe there’s space to hang out, drink coffee, read the paper, or surf the net. if i had the capital (re: had not spent all my money on whores), i’d have opened up a shop just like this. brilliant. i chatted with the owner. nice guy. he says business is good; they bake their bagels on site.

i picked up a couple of fatties with cream cheese (about $3). and between bites, we lazily discussed unified field theory under the watchful eye of fat albert himself. without a doubt the best bagels ive eaten since my arrival in panama. indeed, they gave me the strength to go on with our little christmas farce.

it’s spacious and comfy inside new york bagel. a good place to fire up the laptop, and enjoy a bottomless cup of panamanian coffee. good selection of killer bagels. salads are good too. open tues - fri, closed mondays.

we finally did find our bird. he was hiding out at riba smith. it only took shameless begging, $35, and a 30 min wait, to get him from freezer to taxi. but i fancy the greatest miracle that day was finding the new york bagel cafe. jew or gentile; if you’re in el cangrejo, you should check ‘em out.

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