Old School
From The Heart
TO THE COMMITTEE TO ELECT BALBINA HERRERA: I would like to write for, and assist Balbina’s campaign for president of Panama. Who am I? Think of me as a pot smoking Karl Rove, but with a bigger penis and better music collection. I’m not cheap. I’m American. So I’ll need a starting salary of at [...]
Fans Bid On Pieces Of The Cojito Legend
“Everyone always wanted a piece of Cojito,” says longtime girlfriend Alex Diaz. One gringo wanted Cojito’s collection of soiled stripper panties. Another man just wanted Cojito to start writing again. A half-empty bottle of Abuelo, an unopened box of extra large condoms, and a lid of Torrijos brand hydro, purchased just before the big bust [...]
Back To La Chorrera
Lord knows, Maribel Ortiz has never asked much of this world. Yet here she is, back in La Chorrera, back where it all started. It’s all so dirty, so low, so final. So many gringos have passed through her bed. So many promises. Every morning Mari leaves the room she shares with her sisters, takes [...]
No Burritos
When I step out of Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport it’s so hot it feels like my eyeballs are cooking in my head. “It’s been 110 degrees for 3 days straight,” the van-man says. That would be perfect if I was in town to cure meat. “Take me to the bone yard my good man [...]
When Tapirs Attack!
Costa Rica 4/23: Search parties found Costa Rica’s missing energy minister Saturday suffering from a nasty bite by a wild tapir after he got lost in a jungle reserve two days earlier. – Rueters While no one’s willing to go on record and talk openly about the smug tapir in our living room, there appears [...]
